MY vicissitude

Glee.

2011-12-25T15:18:00.002+08:00

Sam and Mercedes, feels like a lie.

moved.

2011-01-15T04:25:00.000+08:00

This space has been good to me. I've had it for almost 4 years, but I think it's about time I move. So, catch me if you can?

I love scuddingclouds.bs, it holds some of the best memories of my 19 years <3

New year, New beginnings.

Safety pins, holding up the things, that make you mine.

2011-01-13T14:57:00.001+08:00

So basically, I'm a happy camper. Silly, but true. I hope I'm not being naïve about work - I mean, I can't help but feel positive about it!! Anyways today was a (short!) good day at work, woohoo! Made some friends, listened to a guy's ipod through his earphones (only cos I could hear it from far) playing PATRON TEQUILA! Haha, I don't know if it's because of the song or the girls that I love it so much! To be honest probably the girls! They're so "fine, like summer wine that's divine, anytime"! If I was a boy.... Haha. Anyways, for the first time ever I feel superbly grateful about me living where I do. For three days of this week, I've been living life at Jurong East. I truly believe its the most inconvenient place in this country to live at. Like given the masses of people living in that area, its awful- especially Jurong East MRT :( hats off to all the Jurong East-ers. Wouldn't survive if that was me. On other things, I have been very slow on my reading front. Am reading Tolstoy's "Anna Karenina" now and I'm superbly slow, it makes no sense at all. But the book is amazing so far, really. Russian romanticism, the whole shebang. But I'm still merely 60+ pages in, so we'll see right? I bought some books whilst waiting for him at KLP - they had one of those 4 for $10 sales at the atrium so I indulged. After all, I'm a working woman now! Haha. So I have so many books to read, yet not exactly making the best progress! Haha who cares, this I what post-A levels are about- the lack of deadlines! Going to cut/trim my hair today! Not thinking of doing much, really. Just snip snip and fringe adjustments! Going to need hair ties and stuff for work:( I honestly hate the uniform! I really do! Well not like hate hate, I just hate it on me. Not flattering at all:( but there's not much I can do or say about that, ey? Thank god my friends can't visit me, unless of course they pay like 70 bucks? Haha. Ciao! Sent via BlackBerry from SingTel!

And I won't back down cos life's already hit me.

2011-01-02T03:49:00.000+08:00

Oh yes, I have been away. Now I'm trying to remember what I've been up to. December has been a pretty lovely month, yet one that's pretty hot and cold. Some days I'm filled to the brim with activities, whilst some days my sole itinerary consists of vegetating. Hahaha.

December was filled with mostly lovely memories, of prom, him, of music and partying, of firsts.

Hope 2011 is even better.

Fear is the heart of love.

2010-12-14T04:03:00.005+08:00

Death Cab For Cutie - I Will Follow You Into The Dark

If there's no one beside you, when your soul embarks, then I'll follow you into the dark. Haha, DCFC is simply, brilliant. Anyways, I've been wallowing in darkness and the corners of the twisted for way too long. I think that spending too much time alone, becomes really unhealthy. Besides, being awake at ungodly hours and irregular sleep patterns - NOT GOOD.

So, how's life been? A lot of funny moments, really. Thanks to hearts, wengs, jo, fatz, (well most of the people i've interacted with in the past week!) A lot of smiles too, thanks to the BHC. I'm hoping to meet Man soon. <3

So much heartbreak going on, in this period. Permanent heartbreak for some, temporary for others. It makes me very sad to see my friends in pain, even the ones who've been in pain since march (i think) - it still pains me to see her cry so much, so sad and so vulnerable. I really hope I've been of some help, though I think nothing in reality can truly aid a heart in pain. That's the worst part, isn't it? The fact that nothing can cure heartache, but the one that caused it in the first place? Hugs, all around, for the broken hearted people. I think we spend plenty of time thinking we're alone, but really, no one really is. I just hope, especially for her, she finds someone soon, to make it all better.

I lost a whole monday today. Lost it. Like time that I can never take back. All because I felt like life had handed me pain in a platter. Haha. But, I'm back up again. After spending about 18 hours in bed, most of it sleeping and reading Anna Karenina (amazingly a really nice read. Amazing so far.) I finally got my butt moving. Went with the father to NEX mall buying some groceries, in my PJs. TO MAKE EVERYTHING JUST A TAD MORE AWESOME, I bumped into like 6/7 SA boys that I knew (shawn, jingkai, ben, leonard etc) WHILST IN MY FREAKING PJs. Yes, it's my fault for wearing my PJs out of my house. But I couldn't help it. I wasn't in the best of moods, and the mall was so near! Haha, but yes, I felt superbly embarrassed. Like, red faced embarrassed. Hahaha. Shit happens, deal with it!

Life's not perfect, but, I figure, it's the best thing that will ever happen to me.

So make the best out of it, right?

by the way, i tried to say i'll be there

2010-12-12T20:52:00.002+08:00

Red Hot Chili Peppers - By The Way

Prom was a few days ago, and well, safe to say, at least for the most part, I felt that compared to sec 4 prom, I looked the way I had wanted to. Haha, so yes, for the most part I am very pleased with myself. I mean the journey to prom was kinda frustrating cos well, having to stretch your dollar is not a very fun process. Hahah, but thanks to my fairygodfather and to my parents for making it all the better. Prom and Post-prom was good (or at least the best it could be) thanks to all the lovely people. I am really thankful and grateful for my class. I couldn't thank God enough for letting me meet these people, all amazing and unique in their own way.

To think that I am done with school and everything, is still kind of, well.. scary. Haha.

I've been feeling very... apprehensive of late. And might I say a little frustrated perhaps. It just feels that I have a lot of pent up emotions in me, and I need some sort of release. Like a nice cheerful activity that won't cost me money. Hahaha. Not that I don't have anything to be thankful for, but as of late I feel worn down, and forgotten. Does that make sense? Yea, forgotten I guess. Unappreciated. Whatever the word is, it's the same feeling.

I miss you a lot, adelaida hassan. It's days like these where I feel like sitting with you at the airport burgerking sipping on large ice lemon tea, just talking, feeling loved and understood. I wish you didn't have to be so far away :( Sigh, I'm being so silly.

toodles.

When the sun begins to shine..

2010-12-12T20:20:00.002+08:00

Someday
When my life has passed me by
I lay around and wonder why
You were always there for me

One way
In the eyes of a passerby
I look around for another try
And fade away

Just close your eyes and I'll take you there
This place is warm without a care
We'll take a swim in the deep blue sea
I go to leave and you reach for me

Some say
Better things will come our way
No matter what they try to say
You were always there for me

Someway
When the sun begins to shine
I hear a song from another time
And fade away
And fade away

Just close your eyes and I'll take you there
This place is warm without a care
We'll take a swim in the deep blue sea
I go to leave and you reach for me

Someone said you tried too long
Someone said we got it all
Someone said we tried too long
Is there a place where I belong?

So far and so long
So far away
So far and so wrong
So far away, away, away

Some day
When my life has passed me by
I lay around and wonder why
You were always there for me

One way
In the eyes of a passerby
I look around for another try
And fade away

And fade away
And fade away
And fade away

Uninvited.

2010-12-06T02:03:00.002+08:00

Alanis Morisette's "Uninvited"

I've been baking. On saturday, I just woke up and decided that I was gonna bake and I did. Chocolate chip cookies. Chewy and soft. Cos that's the way he likes it. And I made them palm sized! You know like how Subway cookies are like? They were really yummy. But I don't eat cookies. But I love baking. It felt good to do something, just because I wanted to. Without a care in the world for whether I had something else I should be doing. Nothing else mattered, but what I wanted. So after that, I cooked! Pasta. Farfalle pasta topped with creamy tomato portobello sauce. Okay, that was realllly delicious. And I still had some leftovers in the fridge today, so basically I'm a happy camper. Today also I baked - brownies. I couldn't find my tray so I made them in cupcakes. And topped them with nutella. This was undoubtedly sinful. I really would like to share it with people. Perhaps I should just walk around randomly and come up to people asking them if they would like some. Heh. Sounds fun.

Saturday night was lovely. Okay, towards the end, the night could've been better. But regardless, it started out awesomely. Especially since I was with my girls. <3Right now, in the midst of enjoying my life thus far, I've actually got a very legitimate worry about my employment status. I need the money to keep up my hedonistic lifestyle of post A levels. So... sigh.Prom's this coming thursday. Exciting, I guess. But my mind is too busy thinking about other things that's been on my mind to worry about such a trivial thing like prom.C'est La Vie.

inhalexhale.

2010-12-02T01:04:00.001+08:00

Today was filled with traveling. I realise that this country really isn't that big, BUT it never ceases to amaze me. There's always something that I haven't seen, someplace that I've never been. It's quite fun actually. I guess, if I've yet to figure out every nook and cranny of my own country, I should, before I begin exploring the countries' of others.

I spent today with Firqin. I enjoyed my day whole-heartedly. We chatted and laughed and had Wendy's (at Holland Village), basically spending many hours just seated there and talking. So nice to just have a friend, and just be. Best part of course was the fact that we were far off from anywhere too crowded or noisy. So it was just fun :)

i really enjoyed today sumartono. heheh. and all the things we shared. especially about our mothers. <3 <3 <3

Anyways, wow. Just got my period today. Okay tmi I know but it explains all the negativity festering in my soul. Like, wow, I've been in this bubble (or still am) of like angst these past few days. It's really hard to be carefree and happy when all you wanna do is watch sob stories and cry, when all you can see is the thunder and the grey skies. When all you can think about is about how much better off other people are, ET CETERA. IT IS SO HORRIBLE, I REALLY CAN'T WAIT FOR THIS CLOUD TO PAST.

Alright, I've said my piece.

p.s. Today (that being the first of december) marks 183 days together, not killing each other. yet. hahahah.

love.

smiles.

2010-11-29T23:11:00.000+08:00

I honestly feel like the huge load on my shoulder (at the back of my mind, what have you) has been lifted. A Levels, was not an easy feat. By far, in my 19 years of life, one of the hardest things that I've ever had to go through. Really. I mean, psychologically, physically, everything. I've gone through my fair share of tough things in life, so... hmm. I'm really glad it's over. At some point I went crying to my father, thinking that I won't be able to get through it. Another time, I lost my soul into a really dark place, I had my "what's the whole point?" moment. Really, glad to have it over.

However I won't lie, I have no idea how I'd fare. Like mixed feelings best describes how I feel in totality. Because, I don't know. I don't know how I did. I don't know if I put in my best, only because there's always a part of me that feels that there's always room to be better, and above and beyond that, I have very little faith in myself anymore. Aiyaaa. Whatever. Que sera, sera. In March, I will know. Till then, I guess.. pray.

Yes, apprehensive wouldn't even begin to describe how I feel.

But enough with insecurities, I am a very happy camper (plus minus some pms hormones. haha)!!!! Post-As have been amazing so far.

Friday was Seoulgardening, and then dinner with love at Holland, and a lovely night altogether. Funny coincidences, lovely moonlight, handholding. Bliss. So many beautiful memories, that will last forever. iloveyou. (I'm really happy. And in love.)
Saturday was spent with the "longest" friend I've ever had in my life. She knows me, and I share parts of myself with her that I don't share with anyone else in my life. Fadhilah Zulkepli, I will never forget you - who I am today, you've played a part in it ;)
Sunday was spent with my rock of my JC career.. HEARTSYAT!!! Sundays With Hearts! As always, filled with soooo much laughter and good times, TWG tea and the chichi part of life. *giggles* I know we didn't really go on this last lap together, but I've always had you in my thoughts, and cherish you very very very much.
Monday was an early day spent at Choa Chu Kang for FIRQIN SUMARTONO THE BIRTHDAY GIRL! :D :D :D It was so fun to sneak into her house and pop some poppers and scream happy birthday for my fellow sunshine, and love. SMARTONO (smart huh! :D) i love youuuu hope today was AMAZEBALLS. Then it was travelling here and there and finally an hour plus spent catching up with farid fadzil! :D oh and marissa (I LOVE THIS CHICKKKK) with me at my house nowwww :D

Sigh, I hope I get a job and just, well, enjoy having me belonging to me. Until I get sucked into some other system. Sigh. I need me time. Wind down, some chick flicks, and well just keep rediscovering myself, my passions. Oh and I'm starting a reading list. I THINK TO MAKE SURE I COMMIT, I'm gonna put the list here, and keep updating! Bold means read!

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6 The Bible - Too Many Cooks
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte (ugh not by choice)
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulk
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19 The Time Traveler’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoevsky
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34 Emma - Jane Austen
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52 Dune - Frank Herbert X
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime - Mark Haddon
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding
69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce
76 The Inferno – Dante
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession - AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte’s Web - EB White (i'm gonna re-read this either way.)
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo
101 Everything is Illuminated - Jonathan Safron Foer
102 The Known World - Edward P Jones
103 The Human Stain - Philip Roth
104 Blood Meridian - Cormac McCarthy
105 The Woman Warrior - Maxine Hong Kingston
106 The Bluest Eye - Toni Morrison
107 The Crying of Lot 49 - Thomas Pynchon
108 Lost in the Funhouse - John Barth
109 Franny and Zooey - JD Salinger
110 On The Road - Jack Kerouac
111 Wise Blood - Flannery O'Connor
112 Black Boy - Richard Wright

OKAY. will add or update soon <3

In the pain, there is healing.

2010-11-17T17:40:00.002+08:00

The broken clock is a comfort
It helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can start tomorrow
From stealing all my time

And I am here still waiting
Though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best
Like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart
I'm barley breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating

In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning

So I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you

The broken locks were a warning
You got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded
I'm an open book instead

And I still see your reflection
Inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose
They're still looking for life

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating

In the pain
(In the pain)
Is there healing?
In your name
(In your name)
I find meaning

So I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm barely holding on to you

I'm hanging on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be okay

Broken lights on the freeway
Left me here alone
I may have lost my way now
I haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating

In the pain
(In the pain)
There is healing
In your name
(In your name)
I find meaning

So I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm barely holding on to you

I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm barely holding on to you

Sometimes, I really am left confused and lost, when it comes to you. Everything seems at odds, my head and my heart. But I'm still holding on to you.

River deep, mountain high

2010-11-13T22:14:00.002+08:00

And I love you baby, river deep, mountain high.

I really do.
So many songs remind me of us, him, me. And little things, smells, memories, places. It's been quite a journey.

I wonder if he'll read this. Haha.
It's kinda funny, if you saw us, you'd be amazed. Different, yet so innately similar. It's kinda, amusing, kind of uncanny, kind of wonderful.

Anyways, I'm in the midst of my A levels, and I can honestly say that I really am finding it very hard to focus on my last 2 papers. Well, 2 subjects, 4 sittings.

But you gotta do, what you gotta do.

Revamped my blog a bit, just played around with some html and codings to like get it looking just the way I want it to. Blogging reminds me of Mark Zuckerberg, blogging about that girl. If you haven't, hope you get a chance to catch The Social Network. It's kinda amazing, how an idea snowballs, into a force to be reckoned with. Kinda makes you inspired to think of the next big thing, to go conquer the world.

Anywho, I have so many post A level plans to put together, I can't wait for the 26th(:

love.

~~you know who you are: stop reading my archives!!! hehe.~~

I pity the fool, that falls in love with you.

2010-11-13T21:55:00.004+08:00

gwyneth paltrow, still has it.

If heaven and hell decide, that they both are satisfied

2010-11-13T21:49:00.000+08:00

Fear.

2010-10-31T19:31:00.001+08:00

It's kinda scary, to think that everything from here on is do or die.

Gives me the jitters a little bit.

Sigh.

I don't know if I'll make it, and that's just being honest.

I guess, I have to at least, try.

run far away.

2010-09-26T23:23:00.001+08:00

Before I fall too fast
Kiss me quick, but make it last
So I can see how badly this will hurt me
When you say goodbye

Keep it sweet, keep it slow
Let the future pass, and don't let go
But tonight I could fall too soon
Into this beautiful moonlight

But you're so hypnotizing
You've got me laughing while I sing, you've got me smiling in my sleep
And I can see this unraveling
Your love is where I'm falling, but please don't catch me

See this heart won't settle down
Like a child running scared from a clown
I'm terrified of what you do
My stomach screams just when I look at you

Run far away so I can breathe
Even though you're far from suffocating me
I can't set my hopes too high
'Cause every hello ends with a goodbye

But you're so hypnotizing
You've got me laughing while I sing, you've got me smiling in my sleep
And I can see this unraveling
Your love is where I'm falling, but please don't catch me

So now you see why I'm scared
I can't open up my heart without a care
But here I go, it's what I feel
And for the first time in my life I know it's for real

But you're so hypnotizing
You've got me laughing while I sing, you've got me smiling in my sleep
And I can see this unraveling
Your love is where I'm falling so please don't catch me

If this is love, please don't break me
I'm giving up so just catch me

I'm not gonna teach him how to dance with youuuu

2010-09-24T03:46:00.002+08:00

WOW. AIYA. It's 3:33am AND NO MATTER what anyone tells me, i can't help but feel a little depressed. I'm sorry.

1) My parents went ballistic on me recently. If you know why, FINE I DON'T BLAME THEM LAH. In all honesty.. I was stupid so yeah.

2) THE RESULT of their ballistic-ness IS that I feel like as if my freedom is slowly slipping from me. Which is why I'm like super depressed. HAHA fuck me and my melodrama lah. Its just that I feel like when I was in secondary school again, having my mom check on me and talking to my friend to "verify". Fking, retarded. Period.

HAHA. Right now, I'll hate anyone partying or having any sort of fun. On sight. COS i'm that jealous.

See that's the thing.

lemme give you an example.

EXAMPLE: I WANTED TO GO FOR AVALON.

See, hearts and I wanted to go for avalon. THEN by some miracle of god, we decided... nyah. Might as well not. I MEAN, I had the freedom to choose whether I wanted to or not, and we thought, we shouldn't, so FINE.

BUT NOW

I can't. And that makes all the difference. At the last minute, I thought "eh, but it might be fun" BUT THEN I remembered, "OH YA I FKING CAN'T" and suddenly the desire to go surges up by at least 500%.

hahahahh fuck me lah, I'm so melo drama.

SO YA HERE I AM. WISHING I WAS AT MBS RIGHT NOW, at this moment. BUT NOOOO. so yeah.

disclaimer: It is almost 4 am in the morning so have mercy on me.

Funny how life works, ain't it?

Everytime I look at you, it's like the first time.

2010-09-21T03:16:00.001+08:00

You go through rough patches sometimes. It's what they didn't tell you, when you handed over the consent form. But you over come them, regardless. Because, it's always worth it. If it's worth having, it's worth fighting for.

My brother just flew off to brighter pastures. It's the first time ever that I sent a sibling off, and I didn't shed a tear. It's definitely due to the fact that I'm beyond proud of him, elated for him, excited for him - too many positives to shed a tear. (OKAY, i did cry at some point. a few days ago. when i found out. whatevzz) It's amazing, I think. He's finally got his break. Reminds you, nothing is Impossible. Nothing.

I have dam full of emotions that I can't seem to put my finger on.

For you who enjoyed your monday, yes you.. i'm very happy for you. i honestly really am.

I feel..

still have to figure that out. Till then..

It's tiring.

2010-09-18T15:06:00.002+08:00

~~it's never a good thing if I have Adele's "First love" on repeat.~~

hadapilah ini, kisah kita takkan abadi..

2010-09-17T23:11:00.000+08:00

"...Henry appears, doing up his cuff links. He's wet, dirty, and unshaven. He looks about forty. But he's here, and he gives me a triumphant smile as he walks through the doors of the church and down the aisle."~Clare

"That's what I love you for: your inability to perceive my hideous flaws."~Henry

"I realize that I have forgotten my present Henry in my joy at seeing my once and future Henry, and I'm ashamed. I feel an almost maternal longing to go solace the strange boy who is becoming the man before me."~Clare

"This is why I love to be drawn by Clare: when she looks at me with that kind of attention, I feel that I am everything to her."~Henry

"I never wanted to have anything in my life that I couldn't stand losing. But it's too late for that. It's not because you're beautiful and smart. I don't feel alone anymore. Will you marry me?"(Henry) "No. I didn't mean that. I just wanted to try it, to say it, to assert my own sense of free will, but my free will wants you"(Clare)

"I wouldn't change one second of our life together."~Clare

I have finally completed my prelims. Honestly,I am kinda unsure as to how I would fare. It was highly challenging and well I wouldn't say that I was the most prepared person either. Sigh. I'm pretty glad it's over. When you know you could've done better, if you hadn't procrastinated et cetera, sitting through your exam is like going through immense torture. It's like it taunts you with the fact that you could do the paper, just not as well as you can. As mr peh said, "can means can, cannot means cannot". To think the next batch.. is the real deal. A Levels.

Obviously examinations are far from the reason why I opened this browser in the first place.

Today was challenging. Everything about it.
It made me question who I really am as a human being. Made me wonder what sort of person I am.
So many things that we talked about, left me scared, worried, and down right sad.
And lost yes, very lost.
I think it has much to do with me overthinking, but I keep wondering if.. If.. oh what if.
I am lost.

I just wanna be a kid again, where the world was simple, technicolor. Sit on the swing and look up into the sky, feeling like you're flying and that nothing else matters. Feeling awe and wonder for the world around you.

Yes. I need that swing.

More than just holding hands

2010-09-14T00:19:00.001+08:00

Wow. This year's Aidilfitri has really been one of the worst ones ever. Especially when I go on Facebook and see the many many photos of my friends, enjoying the festivities with their families, and loved ones. I haven't had a proper Hari Raya in years; big life-changing decisions are truly, life-changing. Coupled with the fact that Hari Raya falls in the midst of prelims, and that two of my siblings are in totally different continents, and the very fact that my mother's family is in Malaysia.. well there isn't much celebrating going on. What scares me is well, I wonder what will happen of the years to come? When I grow older, will I lug my family to Malaysia to meet my cousins? When my grandmother passes on, who will keep my family together? I have a huge huge family, but the ties that bind us has loosened, quite a bit. And what about my own direct family? Will my kids have their cousins to play with? Will they be excited to visit their grandparents? With my family strewn all over the world.. I kinda can't help but wonder how the future will be like.

I don't want my kids to grow up, unaware of their roots and culture. I mean Eid in itself is Muslim, and you can find Islam no matter where you go in the world. But HARI RAYA that's a manifestation of the Malay culture. No matter how much I'll insist I am Chinese, I am too Malay, and I do not deny that. I'm proud to be apart of this race and culture filled with traditions, vibrancy, everything. There's so much beauty in it, that many overlook due to the erosion of the Malay people under the social lens. I mean, yes, we are reminded everyday that the Malay people seem to be at the pit of society and that many problems that plague our society today - teenage pregnancies, druggies, etc - also seem to plague a great number of those of the Malay race. But in the midst of all this ratatata, lies a beautiful culture. The clothes, the colours, the hospitality, the kindness - all of which is embedded into being Malay. I don't want my children to be ignorant of this. I want them to have the things I had, experience what I experienced, and so much more.

Fingers crossed.

when we kiss, it's as if our lips agree that we were meant to be

2010-08-22T18:29:00.003+08:00

allmypicscomefromthisamazingtumblr

I've been reading some tweets, and blogs, and there seems to be a dark grey cloud enveloping the lives of many of the people I love dearly. And in a way, it's kinda infectious. But I really don't want to be consumed by this cloud of grey, dark and twisty. Neither do I want others to be consumed by it either. Currently life does feel like a bit of a struggle, eh? And to make it worse, it seems like there are expectations to meet, results to produce, and everything just seem utterly impossible ): But please, don't lose hope, don't lose faith. Don't be consumed by this vortex. It's not worth it. Life is so so much more than this thing called A Levels, though it's really hard to see beyond it now, I know. I think it's important to know that this struggle you're facing, you're not facing alone. Thousands more are facing it with you, and if you realise, thousand before us have made it through.

Everything will be fine.

Breathe.

Yes, I hate A levels. It seems to be taking things away from me.

But then, I remember that come November 26, this will all be apart of the past.

<3

Sous le ciel de Paris..

2010-08-22T01:23:00.003+08:00

(under the skies of Paris)

I'm taking a liking to History. Again. Wheee. It's like falling in love again. Haha. No, but seriously. History = <3. Heheheh. Honestly, I feel with the right set of notes, reading history is like reading a lovely story, filled with conspiracy, deceit, triumph, the whole shebang.

Still, it's quite challenging. Ahh, I am constantly gazing into the distance.. hoping for the future I long for.

Non, je ne regrette rien

2010-08-21T22:00:00.003+08:00

I should've been born in the fifties. And have my youth be in the 60s. I stand by that statement. Definitely born in the wrong place, and the wrong era. Nonetheless, thank God music is forever. So, je vous presente, Edith Piaf. C'est magnifique!

p.s: we've decided to take actual french classes after my A levels together. Exciting much? c: gotta keep the brain muscles working! plus this totally beats my "Teach Yourself: Beginner's French" which, I think I am okay at, just that the school acads takes precedence ): another reason to look forward to Novembre 26th.

Hop on the magick schoolbus!!!

2010-08-20T17:56:00.003+08:00

Don't you remember that show? The Magic SchoolBus! IT WAS SO FUN! And honestly, if school was anything like that at all, I'd definitely have full attendance, and with actual excitement to be in school! Eitherway. Today at school I accidentally gave myself a 5 HOUR BREAK! WHATHESHITRIGHT?! Hahahahahhahaha. Cos I start school with a 2.5hr break and then I missed my lesson and then the lesson after that was a break cos it was cancelled... HAHAHHAHAHA righteous! School was so-so. Just another reminder of how close Prelims are and how f**ked I might be and well, that it'll all be over in the blink of an eye!

Oh and I managed to spend a total of about $100 IN SCHOOL TODAY WAHLAO! :c Thanks to notes, classfund, downpayment for Prom (which i'm kinda not sure if i'm going...-_-) and miscellaneous shizz. Aiyaiyaiii.

I've been meaning to share how august has been. I would say the most delightful and exciting thing so far was Singfest 2010!!!!! Yes, thanks to mama Joyene, I had the opportunity to see some awesome acts live, and my faaaaavouritest person, KATY PERRY!!!! Hahahah I remember that I've said that I'd totaaaally go gay for her. And I still hold true to that statement! Heehehe

(me and joyene! :D)

(SINGFEST!!!)

(MIZZ KITTY PURRY IN THE FLESSSSSH!!! *SWOOOOONS*)

:) I'm still pretty frazzled at how I'm ever gonna make it through my prelims with above mediocre results! Sigh. Okay off I go to be productive!!!!! <3

forever&always.

2010-08-20T01:02:00.005+08:00

It feels very nice to know when you're not alone. To be told that someone's there for you. I really feel it's a beautiful feeling. I cannot complain about life anymore, because despite any stress or setbacks, I am not alone. :)

Did I mention that I am in love and happy? Hahaha. It took us a while to get where we are, and it isn't without it's complications.. but nothing is easy, right? We fight and argue, we laugh and smile - just the way the doctor prescribed it. You know everything's gonna be alright when he tells you it will himself. It just feels right.

So the plan is to just breathe. Take everything a step at a time.

Life's gonna be a little bit of a struggle in the next few months.. until november 26th. So till then, I hope I'll hold on to my sanity, cos it's gonna be a bumpy ride! <3

(always be whimsical, eh?)

(who lovessss cookies? nah, i love cookiemonster more!)

(<3)

p.s: i love these gems. i'll keep sharing!

Just the way you are..

2010-08-18T08:27:00.005+08:00

Life can get really amusing sometimes. Not in a "HAHAHA:D" way but more of a *raise eyebrows* kinda way. Sigh. Between being really worried at one point and almost pulling my hair, to suddenly being all smiley and laughing with my cousin at 313 Somerset. Weird huh. I think we do our best to create some sort of... equilibrum with the gleeful and the crazy. HAHA. Yes, I'm trying to rationalize.

ANYWHO.

SCREW THIS MY BLOG HAS BEEN LACKING IN SUNSHINE AND GLITTER. HAHA. NOT FUN. TO GET OUT OF THE FUNK, I'M GONNA SHIT SUNSHINE OUT OF MY ASS. OKAY NOT REALLY BUT ENOUGH OF THE WHOLE EMO-NEMO DEEPTHINKING SHIZZZZ.

hahaha, i think it just perpetuates my emo-ness, if and when I keep writing about it. Like I'm dweeeeelling. So I'm gonna stop.

Despite life being really funny and amusing, I think life is good lah. I've been cruising around with Fadhilah in her car. Its just an amazing feeling when it's just you and someone else going nuts in a car, blasting R&B and HIPHOP music going NOWHERE.. just driving on the highwayyy. Really really fun. It feels like there're no obligations or responsibilities. Just the NOW.

~toodles.

"I feel old, but not very wise"

2010-08-13T13:25:00.005+08:00

Did I mention my love for the movie An Education? (The link leads up to the movie, watch it if you haven't and you have the time) Amazing movie that really awoken many of my senses. Sigh.

And one of my favourite scenes..

Jenny: Studying is hard and boring. Teaching is hard and boring. So, what you’re telling me is to be bored, and then bored, and finally bored again, but this time for the rest of my life? This whole stupid country is bored! There’s no life in it, or color, or fun! It’s probably just as well the Russians are going to drop a nuclear bomb on us any day now. So my choice is to do something hard and boring, or to marry my… Jew, and go to Paris and Rome and listen to jazz, and read, and eat good food in nice restaurants, and have fun! It’s not enough to educate us anymore Ms. Walters. You’ve got to tell us why you’re doing it.

So close that your hand on my chest is my hand..

2010-08-13T11:55:00.004+08:00

..so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep - XVII, P.N

I am inspired to write, but despite this sudden desperate need to put words to fruition, I still can't seem to sort the mess that is my brain. There are so many things to write, to say, to opine about, and yet, I still feel that I can't seem to say things in any way that would be coherent for anyone. I feel the need to lose myself somewhere different, somewhere faraway from all this hustle and bustle in order to ensure that at the very least, I can sort out what or how it is I'm feeling. I want to walk in places foreign to me and just discover the little dark corners of which I am sure I'd derive some thrill from. Sadly, it's not a luxury extended to me, at least not for now.

Safely and honestly, I can say that 2010 has been filled with a lot of challenges and experiences. For everything that has happened, there are consequences and not all of them have been good. This year seems to be filled with me being distracted. By a thousand and one things. I say distraction because it is assumed that my life right now should be focused on one thing and one thing alone, my studies. Is it not very depressing that we are to work so hard for this examination so that other people can judge how well our brains memorise and regurgitate, rather than judge us for who we are, our personalities and who we are as inhabitants of this earth. You can't fight the system. Right? A morbid fact but we are submitted to being these androids, at least for now. So yes, I have been very much so distracted. I've been falling in love, getting my heart somewhat (I say somewhat cos it wasn't actual heartbreak. just, a little aching abit.) broken and then falling in love (yes, all with the same person) all over again. I've been lying around, taking long bus rides, enjoying rooftop views of the heart of the country, learning about myself, and him. I can say that I have experienced many bittersweet experiences that have reshaped how I tend to see things, and this actually may not be a very good thing. Like how, I tend to be guarded now, and a little disillusioned. And somehow thanks to some things that he managed to implant in my head, I am starting to question every little thing. All, however, in true Jannah fashion since I am incapable of not overthinking and overdoing things. Le Sigh. If left to the mercy of my mind, I think I would be a very very depressed person. Because somehow I always manage to exacerbate my fears and insecurities, and believe in them so much they feel too real.

But I am sure of this, him and me. It can't be bad if it is that everytime I get mad at him, it's usually due to wanting to see each other, because we want each other too much but can't. Which is a good thing. At least I think so. It's not as if I mad about things that truly matter, in the sense. He makes me happy and makes me laugh and he's kind. I don't think anything else maters.

I really hope I can sort my brain out. I really want us to not be a distraction, but instead just an ordinary part of my life, because, honestly, everything has to have balance.

<3

You have been the one, you have been the one for me.

2010-07-18T10:35:00.002+08:00

I had a so-so week. By so-so I mean some days were indeed awesome, and some, well not. There were times when I felt so pressed for time, I wanted to pull out my hair. There were moments where I could've bitten people's heads off. Hahaha. No but seriously. Stressful, certainly. I mean it's not as if I expect myself to be cruising through life, but wow.

But meeting adel, almost ALWAYS makes things so much better. Always. Undoubtedly. She has always been the yin to my yang. Really..soulmates <3 She always know the right things to say, and always tell me things that I have to hear, being honest with me always. She makes things so much better, just by her utter silliness. And she always wants the best for me, as I do her. No one is as sincere as her, in my view.

Life's going to be so different without her just around the corner. Well, not literally, cos she lives in the East either way, though considering she's going to be continents away... things will be so different. I love her with all my heart and I'm really excited for this lap in her life; we've been talking about it since we were 13, so yes, about time. I hope I'll be able to join her, someday.. or at least be in the same region. Haha. Wow, life's moving on fast eh? To think it was five years ago that we were sitting at the same table in the art room working on our batik piece and discussing our life plans. I am so glad I asked the teacher to change my seat in sec 1/O last time and I ended up seated next to this girl, for the next year and a half. And well, 6 years on, we're still seated across from each other discussing our life as we know it.

<3

You make me lose my head.

2010-07-03T21:55:00.006+08:00

This past week, has been.. well.. tiring to say the least. Yet at the same time.. so filled with lessons. I forgot what it means to have to work for something and though my efforts may not match up to some of those around me, I know that the very fact that I tried.. that has to count for something. Sigh. I swear, part of me is grateful that I at least have a sturdy foundation to fall back on. Had I studied harder, I'd have definitely aced this exams. Just being honest - the papers could've been a hell lot worse, but across the board, they weren't. I mean, lest for some potholes along the way *cough*Housekeeping*cough* they were all generally manageable. Hence, I would be very disappointed in myself should I not clear, let alone do well - disappointed not because I think I'm fabulous and can make it through (hardyharhar) but because I'd be disappointed in myself for not studying.

There's a lot to learn, you know. I kinda remember now how it feels like to be back studying..back in the game. It feels good actually. To remember that my purpose is to study and achieve what it is that I want, whatever that is. I've had all time to study for blocks, but I left it (as always) to the last minute and this time it really took a toll on my mind and soul. Sleep deprivation (and those who know me know that I don't mean simply sleeping at 2 or 3am but really not sleeping till the paper's done), cramming my brain with information without giving it time to naturally absorb it, wow. I had like a migraine after every paper and there's of course the exhaustion, plus after my papers on thursday and friday I kept feeling nauseous. HAHA, I'm not lamenting and whining - I know very well I brought this on to myself. But I'm also writing it all out here so that when my future self backtracks these posts, she'll remember that money is not the root of all evil, but procrastination is.

So the lesson is, if you want something you have to work for it. Mediocrity is not enough, especially when excellence beckons.

Besides that, life's the same, I guess. I've been a little lost lately, sometimes for good reasons, sometimes for things that well.. I wish just wasn't. There are things I wanna say to some people I love, but I just don't know how. I know I shouldn't take it seriously, but it's beginning to get very frustrating. Ah, whatever.

So, one more paper before BT2 is officially apart of history. Literally. I can't wait for some sun. And for some bonding time with Firqin (I reallllllyyyy miss this one a lot! Like seriously haven't gotten to bond with her. haaha) and for Eclipse with Lukman (damnwhyhispapersendlaterthanmineeeee) and Lyana's 21st on the 17th (aaaaaaaahfreakout!<3) and well to keep studying and well, for these 5 months to pass with grace. And God. And happiness.

Here's to looking forward <3

Baby there's something about you I can..

2010-07-03T21:42:00.003+08:00

"My Dearest Allie. I couldn't sleep last night because I know that it's over between us. I'm not bitter anymore, because I know that what we had was real. And if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I'll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent the summer beneath the trees, learning from each other and growing in love. The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. That's what I hope to give to you forever. I love you. I'll be seeing you. Noah" - The Notebook

Say it with me..

2010-06-26T19:42:00.002+08:00

Fuck.

there isn't any time. really.
and everything's everywhere.

I have at most 41 hours left before I have to show my face back at school and yes to be honest, I know where I stand right now would most likely leave me at the bottom of my class and yes I know I deserve it..

but still, I'm scared.

Fml, that's all I've gotta say.

Fuck my life.

Turn back the clock.

2010-06-22T17:26:00.003+08:00

That's all I keep thinking about these days. I kept reading through my archives, and also read the archives of the 08S26 class blog I used to maintain with other friends. Thinking about what was, really sets you thinking about what could be. How lives change so quickly, or how I feel like I'm stuck in a time warp.

My bestest best friend got accepted to a university that I myself was dreaming about applying to. I am not only so proud and happy for her, but I am also envious of her. Lest for certain glitches in her way, she's practically all set to go about the next phase of her life - the journey that we talk about all the time. I can't help but feel envious of those around me, the ones all gearing up for university life, travelling places, taking up new adventures. Soon it'll be my turn, but for now, I feel as if I've lost the fire.

Does this happen to everyone? Like I lost some steam, some of my drive is lost in the void of nothingness. I mean, I can safely say that I could probably end up flunking most of my papers, because I really have not studied much, if not, at all. I mean it's not something that I am proud or boastful of, but fact is fact. I don't know why or how it is that I've lost my drive - it all doesn't make much sense. I mean, I'm probably partly distracted and at the same time, I just can't remember why I am doing all this. It's not right, because I have no time to waste as I come closer to my A Levels.

I have to stop living in the past, in my bubble, and remember what my priorities are. I've waited so long for my time, for my turn. I cannot afford to lose it all just because I've hit some sort of a crisis.

Come on Cheang, don't give up now.

I value my past, my experiences, but it's time I set the sail due north. Forward is the only way to go!

C'est Si Bon..

2010-06-19T14:52:00.003+08:00

When things get a little depressing, it always helps to listen to some good ole' french song....

Going back to the corner, where I first saw you

2010-06-18T23:55:00.002+08:00

Volatile. This is truly a testament to what I am. I cannot fathom a sense of stability in my life, though undoubtedly, I do yearn for it. Le sigh. See, it's not that there isn't things in my life that I am happy of. I think it is just me - I am just ungrateful and incapable of being satisfied with what I hold in my hands right now. So much has happened, so much has changed. I am not the same person that I was this time last year. Last year, this girl was determined to prove to others that she hadn't made the wrong decision of retaining. This girl was more interested in creating a balance between having a life, and maintaining her grades. This girl knew what it meant to be consistent, to pay attention and to not give up. But I am not this girl anymore, and it scares me. As if, somewhere amidst all the drama, the whirlwind of emotions and whathaveyous, this girl got lost. And it scares me, because now more than ever do I need this girl to rise. It's not easy.

I just lost her, *poof* and she disappeared. Trying to have her rise again, it really is harder than anything else that I've done.

Status quo has changed, yet again. Though this time, I'm left with an emptiness inside me, if and when he isn't around. And as if I am purposely trying to make matters worst, I cannot help but want more - is it selfish of me to want more out of whatever we are now? I tell myself what we are is just perfect right now, but I wonder how long this illusion will last for. It shouldn't matter, and yet it does. It always does, no matter how much you tell yourself it doesn't, it does.

C'est La Vie.

One moment everything's seamlessly perfect, and the next you crumble.

He'll be there for life..

2010-06-09T16:43:00.005+08:00

I am in a good place in my life right now. Well, my studies could be a little better, but nevertheless, I'm in a happy state of mind. Well, I guess when the matters of the heart are finally in place, things just seem to feel a lot better, a lot lighter. I mean, yes, somewhat still confused, but happy nonetheless. And after all, happiness is key.

I'm sorry I haven't been blogging much- ironically when there's too much going on in my mind, I tend to give up on blogging and just retract into my own bubble. But life's good, and that's all I'll say. For now.

"I can spell difficulty.."

2010-05-19T09:22:00.003+08:00

"Sometimes the pain and disappointment you carry in your heart is due to the death of fairy tales and myths, dreams that were never yours in the first place. One of the most intense sufferings in life is pursuing a life or chasing dreams that just don't belong to you. You may want them, but that doesn't mean you can have them. Look closely at the choices you consistently make in your life: What are they and where do they consistently lead you? You may already have the life you've been looking for, but have yet to realize it. All it may need is for you to add some recognition that you are right where you are supposed to be—and jump in with all your heart." ~ Caroline Myss

I've quoted her before, but never before have I ever felt it so true, and so strongly. Sigh. These days, I wonder how things have gotten the way they are, I wonder what it is that I'm fighting for. Why I try, or why I bother. I know it's not apocalyptic - I do not doubt that one bit, and don't look into my words, it isn't as bad as it sounds. Well at least I don't think so. Anyways, I trudge each day slowly, and slowly, I reflect about us. And as i think and think and think some more, and listen to Hearts and her stories, I figure I just haven't seen what has been blatantly placed right infront of me. That we each want different things, that I chose to like you. That I am also responsible for the ripples in the water, that I knew very well from the start what type of person you are, but still chose to face it head on. That I cannot will things to go my way, that the likelihood of anything going my way still remains improbable. That I can't help the way I feel, and I can't help the way you feel either. That I'm just knocking on the wrong door.

And it's okay.
It's okay and perfectly alright if we do, end up knocking on the wrong door.

Just breathe, take a step back, turn and walk away.

That what you have to do.

Move

on.

Sure, we indulge in ourselves in that moment of embarrassment, that moment of grave pain or suffering, but thereafter we pick ourselves up, and move forward. Move on. It is after all, experiences like these that help you grow as a person. The memories of feeling and loving someone so deeply that their joys become your joy and their anguish becomes your pain, the smiles and the laughters - they are memories worth having, and when I am old and look back to the peak of my youth, I'll remember these things and (hopefully) smile.

This is how I choose to stand by this.. thing that we have. Let's return to status quo, shall we? I've done it before with other people I've liked, so I'm very sure I can do it again. I shook the water the first time, you shook it the second, and now it's my turn to return it to calm. It's how I choose to handle this for now, without your consent. You said that now's not the time, and well, I see it now. The ache I feel nowadays have become too much for me to bear, so excuse me whilst I save myself.

It was fun whilst it lasted, but I'm sure it can be better once all the frills have been removed. It was a lot better when my heart skips when we chat in the wee hours of the morning, rather than now. Let's turn back time.

<3

TGIF

2010-05-07T00:22:00.003+08:00

Changes. New Beginnings - we all want one. I've been lamenting about this imminent day, but truth of the matter is, it's gonna happen whether or not I want it to. The beautiful thing about life is that every moment is fleeting; it is only then we are able to value life. Birth is meant to be celebrated, not scorned upon. My Nineteenth year as a tenant on this Earth will be an awesome one. It's about perspective, after all. I look at this coming of age as a medium for change and as a start of a new chapter in the book called Life.

Life is filled with ups and downs. Yes, not every moment I've faced has been all sunshine and unicorns, but life was never meant to be easy. Past is past, and the future is still in my hands to decide. I wish myself happiness, and to never lose my drive and ambition and spirit for adventure, and to never give up. And I wish it for you too <3

Black Coffee.

2010-04-15T22:05:00.003+08:00

A very topsy-turvy day, indeed.

Sigh.

Suddenly, I'm not looking forward to tomorrow.

Can I just live in yesterday?

LAUGH WITH ME.

2010-04-12T23:22:00.005+08:00

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH

My world crumbles when you are not here.

2010-04-09T00:38:00.003+08:00

I Try - Macy Gray
Games, changes and fears
When will they go from here
When will they stop
I believe that fate has brought us here
And we should be together
But we're not
I play it off but I'm dreamin of you
I'll keep my cool but I'm fiendin.
I try to say goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near
Goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near

I may appear to be free
But I'm just a prisoner of your love
I may seem alright and smile when you leave
But my smiles are just a front
I play it off but I'm dreamin of you
I'll keep my cool but I'm fiendin
I try to say goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near

Here is my confession
May I be your possesion
Boy I need your touch
Your love kisses and such
With all my might I try
But this I can't deny
I play it off but im dreamin of you
I'll keep my cool but I'm fiendin
I try to say good bye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near

Slow dancing together

2010-04-05T00:12:00.002+08:00

p.s: to those who didn't know, hover directly on my post to make the clouds disappear behind the entry. if that makes sense.

I'm there too

2010-04-02T09:58:00.003+08:00

Sometimes the pain and disappointment you carry in your heart is due to the death of fairy tales and myths, dreams that were never yours in the first place. One of the most intense sufferings in life is pursuing a life or chasing dreams that just don't belong to you. You may want them, but that doesn't mean you can have them. Look closely at the choices you consistently make in your life: What are they and where do they consistently lead you? You may already have the life you've been looking for, but have yet to realize it. All it may need is for you to add some recognition that you are right where you are supposed to be—and jump in with all your heart. ~ Caroline Myss

Pursuit of Happiness.

2010-03-29T20:23:00.006+08:00

Every aspect of my weekend (including my Monday - which actually doesn't count as the weekend, but whatever) was devoted to the pursuit of happyness, peace and well, I guess just finding me again. What makes me happy, what is important to me, what makes me smile. Everything. Friday, post-BTs was just me, my laptop and my favouritest Korean drama ever - sounds sad and lame to some, but it doesn't matter cos I had a lovely night laughing and enjoying the solitude that is indeed my own. Saturday was me and mar in the day time - Swensen's date and talking about all that mattered to us, including the boys in our lives. Night time was me and Nick, catching up on life thus far, the life of an NSboy-just me and this pseudo-canadian watching "When in Rome" and having fun talking. Sunday didn't start off as joyful as the rest but towards the afternoon it was a long-awaited discussion with some book writers. Towards the evening it was meeting Hearts to visit Luqman at Bally and later heading down to Esplanade for the St Andrew's Village "One Family, One Flag" concert (which was overall, lovely) and some supper then home. Monday's a lovely secret though.

I love that I've got the chance to have this weekend, and to love myself above all else. I love that I remembered the things that make me happy, all the things that I forget once in a while. And I love most that I am able to enjoy the little things in life, and those around me.

<3

In myself, I trust.

2010-03-22T20:27:00.006+08:00

(Source)

Honestly, things are not better, per se. Whatever that bothered me in my previous post, still haunts me. However, despite all that, I'd like to believe that there is a way for me to bounce back from it all. And maybe, fingers crossed, I'll find my way out of this black hole and see the light in it all. After all, I did make 2 new resolutions for my life, and I'll try to stick to it (: To say that I know the very essence of despair is an understatement, but to say that I am helpless is a lie. I am not - especially since God has gifted me with an able body and mind. It's just another pothole in the path of life, and we have to overcome it. Though this pothole is fucking kickass. HAHA. Sorry. Okay.

Yes, shit happens.
But I trust in myself that I can pick myself up, and find back what life means to me, go back to the path that I choose to pave. Because it is my life, and no one can dictate how I choose to live my life, though they may try.

I yearn to find my way back to God. I know he may not have forgotten me, but I have been careless and selfish, forgetting that without Him, all is nothing. It is He that my life belongs to, and I owe it all to Him. I've just been distracted. Time for me to find the most essential fiber to my being

wake me up, when it all ends.

2010-03-20T22:41:00.003+08:00

I cannot even begin to explain.
All I can say is, March is the tumultuous month.
And if anything, I am doing the best I can to hold on to whatever inkling of sanity I have left.
It takes the world for me to not attempt anything irrational.
Or dangerous.
Or harmful.
All I want?
Escape. Solitude. Peace.
It eats at my soul.
But I am trying, I am.
Still.
I cannot even begin to explain.

I'm pretending to be a tumblr.

2010-03-17T23:47:00.004+08:00

I stole this, or reblogged, or if it was twitter then retweet, or tumblr retumble? ahhahahahaha, anyways, I quote this from Nadia's blog, which she quoted from somewhere. I feel it's apt, and in many ways, many many people around me feel the same way about the concept of love, and well I felt my heart reach out to every word said by the character Acheron. Maybe you'll feel the same way too? Sigh. Love, they say is a many splendid thing. But it is precisely this thing called love that has our mind and hearts working in overdrive most days. Together, we'll find a way through this mess ey?

“Kat: How can anyone be afraid of love?

Acheron: How can they not? When you love someone… truly love them, friend or lover, you lay your heart open to them. You give them a part of yourself that you give to no one else, and you let them inside a part of you that only they can hurt-you literally hand them the razor with a map of where to cut deepest and most painfully on your heart and soul. And when they do strike, it’s crippling-like having your heart carved out. It leaves you naked and exposed, wondering what you did to make them want to hurt you so badly when all you did was love them. What is so wrong with you that no one can keep faith with you? That no one can love you? To have it happen once is bad enough… but to have it repeated? Who in their right mind would not be terrified of that?”
— Devil May Cry: From Sherrilyn Kenyon’s Dark - Hunter series

I can find joy and peace in me.

2010-03-16T18:51:00.004+08:00

Without a doubt, I am the most volatile person I know. One second I dread, the next I change my mind. As always, in true Jannah form, I thought about me, him, life, God, everything. I took an almost 2 hour long shower, reflecting on life and everything as I know it. As I sat on the bathroom floor, with the hot shower running, I've decided that what my life needs right now is fresh, new perspective. There was a time in 2009 that I had this bout of uninterrupted happiness, and that is what I need. Yes, this would not be the first time I try to locate that happiness, but I feel it in my bones that this time is different. What I need is change. I need to remove my self from the dark clouds that tend to taint my days, and I need to find happiness that is dependent on no one else but myself. Only when I find true joy and bliss in myself, will I be able to find joy and love in others.

So it has been decided. I'm going to make dates, with no one other than myself. I've set out 2 goals for me to achieve this year. Only two because I know now that in order to not be disappointed, to not feel horrid, I have to be realistic and have realistic expectations in life.

One: I'm going to make my life a healthy one. And I mean healthy in all aspects of my life. The word health is derived from Old English hǣlth, of Germanic origin, related to whole: "wholeness, a being whole, sound or well". I want to be whole and complete. Physically, why not? Mentally, spiritually ~ everything. A healthy relationship with my self, family, friends, and most of all God. That, may take a while to build, or rebuild (if I really think about it), but I am willing to take the plunge. This life is too short for me to waste away, so I really should make the best of it.
Two: I am going to do as well as I possibly can for my academics. The grades I'd like to achieve? Well, I shall not divulge. But there's nothing more important right now, than to do well for my A Levels. I will not want to look back and regret everything. I've got nothing else but A Levels to focus on this year in terms of achievements, so really, there is no excuse. Right now, I know that the possibility of not doing well for BT1 is a real one, but I have no one to blame but myself. This year did not start off well, especially not in my academia, but nonetheless I want to and have to move forward from there. I know the journey will be tough and may not always be a fulfilling one, but I will press on. My future depends on it, anyways.

It is about finding myself, and really understanding what I want from life. It is about knowing that no one can dictate how my life plays out but myself - I will narrate, and not be narrated. "No one shall dictate my happiness" (wise words from a very lovely, wise young woman), and I truly believe in it. Whether I have to venture this journey alone right now, is superfluous. How can I be anything to anyone if I have yet to figure myself out?

It is essential that I build in me a sense of peace and joy, in order for me to simply, be.

honestly.

2010-03-16T08:09:00.003+08:00

and the stars fell out of the sky
and my tears rolled into the ocean
now i'm looking for a reason why
you even set my world into motion

'cause if you're not really here
then the stars don't even matter
now i'm filled to the top with fear
but it's all just a bunch of matter
'cause if you're not really here
then i don't want to be either
i wanna be next to you...

i looked up into the grey sky
and see a thousand eyes staring back
and all around these golden beacons
i see nothing but black

i feel a way of something beyond them
i don't see what i can feel
if vision is the only validation
then most of my life isn't real

'cause if you're not really here
then the stars don't even matter
now i'm filled to the top with fear
but it's all just a bunch of matter
'cause if you're not really here
then i don't want to be either
i wanna be next to you
black and gold
black and gold
black and gold

But it's true. Cause if you're not really here, then the stars don't even matter. 2 more days. I can't wait. Everyday I grow impatient, and every hour more excruciating than the last. It's not a big deal, really. I just can't wait. Cos it feels good to have you next to me. Two more days.

Everybody's leaving, we'll have some fun

2010-03-14T11:34:00.002+08:00

Source

I haven't said much recently, due to the mere fact that yeah, I haven't had much to say, and well, I've been a busy bee. Sigh. My thoughts are clouded now. Not so much due to stress or anything tangible. Just a little overloaded with different thoughts. Shall we organise this?

Well, my saturday was... one word: Awesome. It truly was. Hahaha, there were ups and downs. I went with Hani and Siti to watch Shinee at the Singapore Entertainment Awards. $25+2.5hours waiting+ramly burgers later, 3 songs, our boys and us. Yes, worth it. Definitely. After which I went to meet Hearts at cityhall and we did this whole wardrobe makeover - which I kinda feel I officially have some sort of talent with clothes - then we grabbed a bite and well hung out, and well.. It was a lovely night. Oh right, for that part, I must say FATE is amazing. Meeting familiar faces and enjoying the night. Couldn't have been better lah.

I'm kind of reminiscing my night, and well, it was great and all. But it gives rise to thoughts about him. I figure it's partially due to the familiarity of the place and the fact that I met his friend. Why am I so caught up? Sheesh. But, the distance really makes the heart grow fonder. Honestly.

I think that, all I've got now, is the mere fact that I've got examinations coming up, and that I really ought to focus my attention elsewhere. But I'm looking forward to when we're back in the same timezones.

Sing us a song.

2010-03-08T21:38:00.003+08:00

I met Adel for lunner today. And I told her everything, and I let out my heart's content, insecurities and all. And as if she was the first person to tell me, she told me the one thing that, coming from her, makes me realise that it is so very true - I have to relax, and enjoy life as it comes. For I think too much anyways.

I love her dearly. And now, I'm ready to put my feet up and just be.

The truth is hiding in your eyes.

2010-03-08T01:27:00.004+08:00

It's been a long while, a very long while that I've let on how I really am, how I really feel. And it's not just to others, but to myself. Of late, I feel as if I'm numb - numb to everything that passes by me in life. It takes reading someone else's blog to understand what I've been missing out. I wonder to myself ~ how did I get so superficial? How it is that I got so good at lying? A lot of things bother me about life right now. Like how I got myself so weak that my joys and sorrows seem to be dependent on one person. Is it really weak though, to be needed and to need? Or how I have two separate ambitions, distinctly delineated by what seemed to me as reason and logic. How I forgo being just to fit into what seems to be the mould that I ought to want to be. I never was that way. I never liked to be defined, I never liked to fit in (well, maybe sometimes..), I never wanted to fulfill expectations. I always wanted to just take whatever is expected of me, and shove it down the road of nothingness. But now, that is what I am. I am just another stone at the bottom of the ocean. There's nothing wrong with being like the rest - don't get me wrong, I think you're awesome if you can do it. But I just never thought I'd be that. I thought I was special. But turns out, I'm as special as my mother told me I was when I was 6.

Still. I think I'll be lying if I said I don't want to win this rat race. I do not lie that it is indeed exhausting. I guess there's still part of me that expects me to fuck up my life, to be forever in this rut of being never good enough. So yeah, don't blame me if I want to turn round that expectation.

I cannot forget that no matter what, it's all about me. It's not about what she says, or he says, neither is it about the past. I need to remember that there's purpose in life. There is hope. That my life is worth living for there is a purpose to be served by me, and everyone else around me. No matter how my journey is now, there is a goal.

I just need to breathe. As would you.

You're fine. I'm fine. We'll be fine. Define yourself what life really means to you and friend, you will indeed be fine.

I'll be fine. I'm fine. I really am. One day has passed, and I am still here. I won't lie ~ I never thought I'd be in it so bad. That a boy would make me so helpless. But I'll be fine. I will. Cos life is greater than this, and the power of the soul is greater than anything that ever was. Other than God, of course.

"There is no end to the beginning of want." Sigh, she has a point, no?

And off to bed I go. (:

2010-03-07T10:22:00.003+08:00

And if you ever need my hands
To carry you through heavy times
Or look in to your wondering eyes
To remind you what you are

Skyscraper
You define the skyline
Opposite the grapevine
Where crows and rumors fly

If only time flew like.. a dove.

2010-03-06T20:00:00.003+08:00

My end of February till now, is filled with just one hell of a emotional roller-coaster. Its not even a joke. For one, we finally talked about it. Some part of me wonders why he took so long to talk about it, what might've been, what would've happened if we didn't talk about it. There were tears, lots of it. There was also longing. It was horrible. I couldn't have been more displaced and confused. I partly still am, confused. Am I lying to myself, by ignoring the obvious? Am I just being stupid? He's managed to put me in this place where I can't tell what's real or right anymore. I mean, I know I am still driven by my emotions, and that there's a possibility that I am just hearing what I want to hear. The weekend, was bad. It was fresh and raw, and I just couldn't see what he couldn't see. Is there a need to explain? I like you, period. The thing is, unlike anyone I've ever liked, I cannot just stop talking to this one. I can't bring myself to not smile and laugh, and I can't bring myself to stopping it all. I cannot. Not in a million years. Given these circumstances. It's not something that I can switch off. Amazingly, when we went out on Wednesday, I couldn't feel anymore..at home, at peace. An amazing surge of energy passed through me. I just couldn't have felt better. It was good. The only way I could possibly explain it is that we're happy that the other person is holding the other person's hand. It's hard to explain. I'm happy with how things are - it's imperfect, I do not doubt that. But I do know that it kinda doesn't get any better than this. At the same time, I do feel somewhat unhappy. Unsure. Once again, uncertainty remains. I can't help but think.. where do we go from here? Are we, or aren't we? And as if the Gods needed a good laugh, he has to go away. For what seems to me like forever. Not really, but long enough. I can't even imagine how I'll survive the next 2 weeks. ~~Seriously. Seriously?! Talk about good timing. Sheesh.~~ So yeah, I'm sad now. And still confused. But happy. Cos at least for 5 hours today, I got to see him and his smile.

Archived: LJ, 31 July 2006, 14:38

2010-03-04T11:00:00.002+08:00

Utopia. well my utopia. well actually, not really utopia. Just a fabulous dream. So great i woke up, still feeling it. Like it was real. its Probably just my imagination. but its easier just thinking that it would really happen. oh my goodness. god's been playing with my head. but it feels great.

this is how it went. there is no start nor an ending to this fantasy.

I was at dinner. with my mom and dad beside me. and. a guy, gorgeous in my dreams, but im still unable to make out his face. i am very sure, that i would recognise his face if i ever met him. but now, there is absolutely no way for me to describe him. sense? i think not. it was so real. and it was exactly how i would picture my guy ( if that ever happens) meeting my parents. my parents making sure i'm not sitting beside him. and them grilling him with a 1001 questions that would drive many guys nuts. but he was so cool and calm. so un-killing my hopes of a future with him-kind. and we kinda went home, in my dad's TAXI. (haha. reality bites. even in dreams, there's no lamborghini gallardo) and well what i can remember is that my parents-my mom by actual fact- asked him to write something down. so he was outside my house.(yes still that ole mansion et.) and well he wore his shoes and he stood up. note: he still has to write something down. well he kissed me. a great fabulous kiss. if that is what it really is like, then every chick-lit book has failed to describe the experience..

im like wondering. because this is not the first dream of him. its like my 2nd or third. so what is this. maybe its just my head toiling with my mind and my emotions. its just too good to be true ain't it? but well some of my friends think that maybe god decided to lemme have and insight to my future. to my soulmate.

crapp alot? i'm not too sure. just to beautiful.

i remember that when i woke up, the first thing i did was touch my lips. i just needed reassurance. oh wells.
maybe another time

This free fall's, got me so..

2010-02-28T22:23:00.001+08:00

hiatus

I've got a tight grip on reality

2010-02-28T12:23:00.005+08:00

"One does not love a place the less for having suffered in it, unless it has been all suffering, nothing but suffering"

~Jane Austen

Words become superfluous. Only tears suffice.

You have to wait for the signs.

2010-02-24T23:06:00.003+08:00

i love you for sharing this with me (:

You may think its a waste of 12 minutes of your life, but you're wrong. It's the best pick-me-up I've had in a long while.

407. Life

2010-02-24T01:29:00.002+08:00

"It's all make believe, isn't it?" ~ Marilyn Monroe

As if you'd say no

2010-02-23T02:16:00.004+08:00

And now, let's take a moment to rejoice that such an amazing Japanese man walks this Earth. Too bad we won't be seeing him at the WC 2010 this year ):

Exceptions.

2010-02-22T19:35:00.004+08:00

When I listen to Paramore's "The Only Exception", I wonder when it is that I'll be able to feel that way again, and be the exception.

Tell me, will I wait forever?

The only exception ~ Paramore
When I was younger
I saw my daddy cry
And curse at the wind
He broke his own heart
And I watched
As he tried to reassemble it

And my momma swore that
She would never let herself forget
And that was the day that I promised
I'd never sing of love
If it does not exist

But darling,
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception

Maybe I know, somewhere
Deep in my soul
That love never lasts
And we've got to find other ways
To make it alone
Keep a straight face

And I've always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable, distance
And up until now
I had sworn to myself that I'm
Content with loneliness

Because none of it was ever worth the risk

Well, You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception

I've got a tight grip on reality
But I can't
Let go of what's in front of me here
I know you're leaving
In the morning, when you wake up
Leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream

Ohh

You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception

And I'm on my way to believing
Oh, And I'm on my way to believing

Fcbk!

2010-02-21T21:04:00.001+08:00

I just did a quiz on fb and well I kinda am nodding my head at somethings...

how funny.

Knock you straight into Monday

2010-02-21T20:30:00.002+08:00

I cannot believe it's only 4 hours to Monday. Not only was my weekend uneventful, it was still freaking awesome. Other than the fact that I'm still sick to my bones. Sigh. I wish weekends last forever.

I was hit again by the "oh no 19 in 3 months" bug and I've decided to come up with a list of things to do before I turn one-nine. Just for the fun of it.

"Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do" - Benjamin Spock

1000 words..

2010-02-20T19:52:00.011+08:00

my february, in a nutshell.

2010-02-20T17:34:00.002+08:00

can you feel my heartbeat

the heart that you stepped all over and left
is still beating. and it's beating for you

no matter how hard i try to forget
no matter how many new people i meet
why do i keep thinking of only you when i turn around
i don't want to do this anymore. i want to stop.
no matter how many times i try and try to stop myself
it's no use. my heart is broken. why

why do i keep doing such foolish things
i know in my head, but why is my heart rebelling
i'm holding on to you and can't let go.
it still feels like you're next to me.
i can't believe in farewell

no matter who i meet, i can't open up one part of my heart and i keep your place empty
there's no reason for you come back, but why do i keep thinking that you might come back
why isn't my heart listening

Yes, I'm spamming ~~translated korean~~ lyrics. And well. It kinda hits the spot too.

400

2010-02-18T23:38:00.004+08:00

Sometimes I forget to open my eyes to everything around me. To see beyond my bubble. Sometimes, I forget. I forget to appreciate what I've got.

You're not alone. (:

Oh, and I realise, distance sometimes doesn't help you forget what you want to forget. Is it sad that I'm looking at whatever I've left of him, just so I can hang on to whatever I've got left of him?

I'm just swinging by a pitstop, on my way to acceptance and Mount Moving On..

I hope I'm not too late.

2010-02-17T23:09:00.002+08:00

If you've never heard her before, you should. She's lovely. And if you like her, remember you heard it here first!

Might as well, JUMP!

2010-02-17T22:29:00.003+08:00

It's a feeling that spreads throughout you
Yes. Happiness. And excitement. Possibly the fruition of something so wonderful and lovely at the same time. God only knows what I'd be without you. You know, I love you lots, and have only wanted the best for you. Regardless of what happens, I'm happy. I'll pray for you so very hard. The rest is in His hands. You're my best and truest friend and I'm wishin' and hopin' for the very very best. <3

Stay tuned

P.S: Did I mention today was a good day?

Good good girls.

2010-02-16T17:00:00.003+08:00

I went to have yummmmmmy yummmmmmmy Max Brenner's with Hearts and her sister! That stint was indeed a yummy and awkward cos there were Saints working there! I mean just a little weird to be served by familiar faces, that's all. We had the YUMMYYUMMY chocolatey desserts. Like... the MB's Chocolate Souffle and their fondue too. Pictures when that woman FINALLY go and put them up! HAHA.

Well a mini-review?

I've been to the Esplanade MB, and now the Vivocity one. Honestly, I love them both. I mean, desserts aside, the ambience for Esplanade's have always been more on the romantic, sensual side. So if you're celebrating a special day with you other halves, the Esplanade branch is definitely for you. However, the VivoCity one we went to yesterday was bright, with lots of lights coming through the entire store. The seating arrangements was very casual and has a much more, happy-peppy air to it. So if you're indulging on some absolutely delicious chocolatey desserts, with some girlfriends, or with family, I'll definitely recommend the Vivocity one. My only booboo was the chocolate shakes weren't as good. It was either very diluted, or just not that yum. My favourite one was the peanut butter one. But other than that, it was lovely.

We walked around and well, enjoyed the rest of the good night. It was well deserved fun, I must say.

Goodtimes, goodtimes.

SYAFIQAH SHAH THIS IS FOR YOU

2010-02-15T12:56:00.002+08:00

THIS IS DAMN LAME, I KNOW, but I didn't know you STILL read my blog, and I got so excited, cos I thought we dissipated into the air! I miss you so very much. SO VERY VERY VERY much, and I'm so glad you're still in my life! HAHAHA. WOMAN, how have you been?! And seriously, is it me, or is it DAMN SAD that I'm talking to you through my blog?! CHEETOT! I'm so sorry I didn't meet you on friday - what with all my lost wallet drama ))))): I hope your Valentine's day was lovely! CAN YOU IMAGINE, I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING AT ALL FOR VDAY!? So teruk of me kan?! HAHAHA how different from the me that bakes stuff EVERY year! ANYWAYS, enough of this. I just wanted you (and everyone else) to know that I MISS YOU VERY MUCH.

YOU KNOW I

YOU VERY MUCH!!!!

Burst.

2010-02-15T12:30:00.005+08:00

My night was a little bit of this

and

with these
.
It was a good night, for sure.

5 hours of sleep and make-up remover later, my head still yearns some more shut eye and well I'm still smiling from the good time (:

信.

2010-02-14T20:04:00.003+08:00

Xin Nian Kuai Le, one and all. And of course, happy valentine's day to one and all. Heh. Lonely Hearts Club here, so yeah, not celebrating with anyone special. But then again I am spending it with special people, my family <3 You know, I've learnt the hard way that family is something that you have to accept, no matter the circumstances. Cos ain't nobody gonna have your back the way your family will. No matter how dysfunctional it can get (and trust me, I understand dysfunctional, with every fiber of my being), you can't help but love your family. You can't help but want the best for them. You can't help but get angry at them, especially since being family, you tend to expect more. You can't help but be selfish, cos family will forgive you anyways. You can't help but be you. Though, it's not to say that that is how one should treat family.

I've got a lot of pain and hurt, inflicted by my family towards me. Some wounds just never seem to heal, that I know. Sometimes, no matter how hard I try, I know I can't change what has happened. I can't make things..normal. Which is difficult for me to accept sometimes. Cos I expect more from my family. I have all these dreams and fears, that I harbor in my head. But the thing is, I know that I've got to learn to slowly accept it. Slowly make things better. It's hard, especially when all I want to do is make all the selfish decisions. I wonder how long it'll be before I finally accept everything and move on. But for now, all I have is faith. I know that deep down, I do love my family very much. It's just that things take time. Some, longer than others.

So as this Valentine's day come to an end, I'm leaving this week of love with the last love-esque photos.

love,
jans

Concrete jungle where dreams are made of

2010-02-13T15:17:00.003+08:00

It's new year's eve reunion dinner tonight. Embracing my Chinese roots. I have no idea what's for dinner. I'm hoping that the Peranakan dish Ayam Buah Keluak will make its appearance. Yum. My duties for this year? Cook rice. HAHAHA. It's kind of effortless for us, since my dad's not big on the cultural obligations et cetera. But yeah, still. I'm looking forward to some chilling, good food, mahjong, tv. The usual. It so doesn't feel like a Saturday today.

Yesterday was the Chinese New Year concert the MCS has been so busy prepping for. It did occur to me that it's officially the last CNY celebrations I'll have with a school, like this, let alone perform on stage. SO yeah, feeling just a tad sentimental. To say this felt wayyyy better than last year's, would be a lie, cos last year felt like family. But to say this year's was horrid is a lie too, cos it was totally awesome. I had a great time with all. And I'm glad they put in the effort due. And well, I'm really really glad it's over. For the sake of my sanity, I'm glad I don't have to face certain..issues anymore, lest I go nuts. Whateverlah. I'm just glad that people enjoyed our performance very much! :D

I LOST MY WALLET

EGAD. I'm really bothered by it. I'm hoping that someone accidentally packed it into their bags, in the frenzy that is the CNY performance. OR like someone found it and sent it to the GO. I mean, if someone stole it et cetera then it's awfully unfair. Like I only just found a phone and returned it to its rightful owner. Now.. come on. ): I really hope I get it. Cos it's really beginning to annoy me and well. I can't do anything without my wallet. Plus the fact that there's so many sentimental things inside my wallet. Sobs.

Oh well.

did i mention i <3 her??

-jans

And if you ever need my hands to carry you through heavy times.

2010-02-12T21:18:00.001+08:00

Perfect shadows, surround us.

2010-02-10T22:42:00.001+08:00

Hey Soul Sister.

2010-02-09T20:46:00.004+08:00

"You gave my life direction, a game show love connection"

I had a sudden mood swing today. I'm really really really really really sorry if you had to bear the brunt of it. Really. Shouldn't lose track of my feelings too much, or let others suffer. Anger Management. But ironically, I wasn't too sure of WHY my mood suddenly changed. I think it was a cumulative of stresses I've faced today! Buttttt still, not an excuse. Sorry.

Anyways, I sat for my History test. No cheating involved, no anything. Everything was just as it should be. As always, as is every bloody essay, I faced a lack of time to finish my essay. Wasn't able to explain people power explanation. Kainonacheongchiobu.

I'm trying to find that constant that once was in my life, especially in my academics. Really have to. Like for MSA, I really did badly. Relative to my academic progress of last year, and well, seeing some of my results. I'm really hoping people don't get misled. But for myself, it really was a disappointment. Not because I simply screwed up, but above all else, I could have definitely prevented some of my results from falling. I don't know what's wrong with me. As if I lost my touch.

Rubbish. I'm just awfully distracted. HAVE TO GET BACK.

Anyways, it's that time of the year again. I'll try to fill my posts with as mannnnnnny lovely photos before the day itself. I love the idea of love in the air, though of course I am not oblivious to the fact that I'm lacking in that area (hahah). Still. I cannot forget that when love feels good, it feels really really good.

love,
jans.

Yet another day as a Saint

2010-02-08T22:35:00.003+08:00

Honestly, last I checked, that was a prominent part of the life of a Saint - the Pattaya rice. I don't really fancy it, but I know soooo many people do, to the extent of witholding their hunger just so that they can get the Makcik's Pattaya rice, which she usually only makes in the afternoons. People look forward to it. And well somehow, such a litte plate of fried rice wrapped in egg omelet with Makcik's very own designs (Somedays it's a person with curly hair, other days its flowers..and so on) where each design is made with all her TLC will become a lovely memory of my life at SAJC.

I guess what I'm getting at is that, well.. I have to appreciate the little things, cos it's in the little things in life where miracles happen, and with it the fruition of joy. There's a lot I have to be thankful for, like for example, the fact that I'm still in JC, which usually brings about bitter thoughts to my mind, also has its perks. I have the luxury of having fun, doing stupid things, still depending on my friends, laughing out loud and chucking "etiquette" to one corner. I have the luxury of holidays, and well sometimes, though I really wish I didn't, I have the luxury of making mistakes and being forgiven for it. Seeing my friend's today reminds me of the realities of life, where soon, I'll have to face co-workers and employers who obviously leave no room for error, hours dedicated to something that I may or may not be passionate about, the realities of the ADULT fare busrides, etc. All the harsh realities of the world will also fall on me, and knowing my idealistic self, it'll probably eat on my life force. So yeah, right now, I have a lot to be grateful for. The bloody grass is always greener on the other side. For now, I really have a lot to smile for.

I met my secondary school friends today. It was a short dinner.. yet the familiarity warms my heart. Not everyone was there, but it still felt very good. Like seeing people I once spent my days laughing around with. All that blue and grey.

Heyyy, hey people~ WOOO HAAAH
I wanna knoww-ooohhh-oooohhh
If you love our class!

I wish I had more time to catch up, to really talk, to listen. But hey time cannot be bought, so maybe another time and place. (:

Oh, and Wengs told Hearts something which she told me, which I find sums up what ought to be my motivation to study and so on (which I really ought to, I'm so behind everything!): Remember your failures

Think about it.

Love, Jans.

Hello, new me.

2010-02-07T23:00:00.003+08:00

I think I ought to leave the past as past. It's gonna be 3 more months before I turn 19. Enough with the sadness, the ungratefulness, the negativity. Hello, new me. It's too much time wasted, time spent on ugly thoughts. I think to move forward, I have to realise that's precisely what I've got to do: move.

As a metaphor of fresh beginnings, I've already left my old skin (haha, how funny.) for this new one. Just so I don't forget how my past looks like...

Wow. Anyways.

I've been having a very hard time, internally. Emotionally and spiritually. I know what's wrong, at least spiritually, but I feel as if I'm forgetting God. I've become lazy, and forgetful, ungrateful. Questioning, and unhappy. Who am I to deny the Lord? Still, I forget. I forget that in I am just another person. Disposable. That I ought to reach out to Him, before He stops reaching out to me. Sigh. Life was never meant to be easy, I know that now. I know that I'll remember these days, these years, more than the rest, cos it was hard and it built my character, nonetheless.

I remember, whilst working at Borders, when it was New Year's Eve, Audrey asked how 2009 was and what our resolutions were for 2010. My answer?

2009 was awesome. But it was not without its ups and downs. I learnt a lot from 2009. 2010? I want it to be a year where I learn more, and live more. To grow and be a better person than I was last year.

February review? 2010 has started off with one helluva rollercoaster ride. So many ups, and far more downs. Imagine, with the start being this way, then how would the rest of the year be? I am hopeful, still. That He looks after me, and that soon enough I'll find my way back to happiness.

Screw love, happiness is the new high.

Oh and..
With FIrqin over at my house, we had the WILDEST night on Saturday. W-I-L-D-E-S-T.EVER. Hahahahahahha. Yes. We went to the Esso near my house, bought the crazy-est snacks (YAN-YAN+COLLON=CHILDHOOD) and walked back home for a movie -Divine Secrets of The Ya-Ya Sisterhood. WILDCHILD. Hahahahahahahahahah. Sorry, a joke between the two of us. Lol. Friday night was less wild, compared to our movie night. Not. But whatever. That movie, well it strikes me in so many ways. Will I ever be able to mend my relationship with my mother? Will I have friends that will have my back, all the way till the hairs on my head go white? Questions unanswered. But still, it was a lovely movie. About life, and family.

My mid february will be awesome, and so will the rest of my 2010. (:

Nothing in the world seems right.

2010-02-06T18:44:00.003+08:00

Fun. What does it mean? To different people, it means differently. Sometimes, I feel as if my head is plagued by so many ideals of what is indeed "fun", that I lose it for myself. Of my eventful night, the best parts were the start and the end. The start because, I met the people that made my teenage-hood to send Kikin off to bright sunny Australia; it was fun, and most of all, meaningful. Despite the fact that a particular person was very very late, it was fun, to catch up, talk about life, try to fill in the space in everyone's heart. Laughing, talking, bringing up the past. The last part because it was nice to finally let out my heart's content, to actually face how I felt, under the stars of the late night sky, on the grass patch, facing Fullerton. It was awesome to share it with people who get it, and the relief of simply shouting their names into the depths of the night. A relief. Everything in between the start and the end then becomes superfluous.

Slowly, possibly, I'm starting to come to terms with my life as I know it. Family, friends, love. Slowly, the thought of losing the ones who mean most to me, start to hurt less. Slowly the very nature of my friendship with people who really mean a lot to me, dawns on me. Maybe, true to my character, everything's just in my head. I slowly feel like I'm losing people around me, and I'm beginning to realise that the prospect of flying solo is real. What ought I do? I have yet to discover what path lies ahead of me.

I'm lost, and I just wish there was someone to just point me to the right direction so I can go.

I'm grateful, for Firqin. I'm grateful for Alexis. I'm grateful that they were there when I finally cried. Grateful.

Right now, I just wished I felt grateful more often. Thankful.

Even horrible things are things to remember.

2010-01-31T21:55:00.002+08:00

I had the most amazing day today.

By amazing, I really mean amazing, as in...I am left amazed at so many things. Like for instance, the psychotic number of fan girls who went for Shinee's fan signing. And the stupidity some people exude. And the fact that... well, not everything was so sweet.

BUT. I have to credit, that several lovely things happened today.

Today(and the night before), I went to firqin's house and we had some fun watching and stalking people online and watching GLEE'S LAST EPISODE! Yes still super depressed that have to wait till APRIL before we get to see what happen's next!!!

I had a little bit of fun waiting in the crowd, shouting and cheering....macam...syiok? hahahaha Yes its damn sick but OH WELL.

I watched the IMAGINARIUM OF DOCTOR PARNASSUS which was really really freaking awesome to watch - especially if you're into HOT GUYS and beautiful colours etc. And Heath, dear dear heath!

AND THE BEST PART OF MY DAY, was making some awesome and random friends along the way!!!! <3

Sigh. Long day.

TOMORROW'S LOOKING A WEEEE BIT BETTER THO.

Let's move on, shall we?

2010-01-30T11:12:00.008+08:00

I just watched this movie. And I really loved it. It wasn't like magnificent oscar type, but it was awesome enough. It was really really, just what I needed this Saturday morning.

Anyways, let's move away from yesterday's....whatever it was. I just needed to purge it out of my system.

I'm on a Brit-girl-band-whatnots binge! My song of the moment is Fight for this Love by Cheryl Cole. Its wicked. And if you watch the video, I swear, she's gorgeous, especially at the 3:15 mark onwards. I love it.

Anything that's worth having
Is sure enough worth fighting for
Quitings out of the question
When it gets tough gotta fight some more

Cheesy, but I love it nonetheless.

And well, due to this song, I went back oldschool to my favourite girlbands like Sugababes. Some songs from them really changed me someway or helped me through my growing up, or was just really fun to dance to in the room at night.

Ugly

I remember, when I discovered this song, I was taken. I was in Cedar still, in Zen class for sure, whether it was 3Z or 4Z I'm still unsure. But yeah, I loved it. I let everyone I knew listen to it, and I even used it in a presentation. I think it affected me deeply cos of the age I was at; with adolescence comes insecurities and fear, pressures and expectations. This just gave me that little bit of comfort I thought everyone should have.

People are all the same
And we only get judged by what we do
Personality reflects name
And if I'm ugly then
So are you

Too Lost In You

This was the amazing song ~ circa...Love Actually. And of course I really loved that movie so very much. But eitherway, that song, was...well, I can understand it. Especially remembering my heart's devotion to a particular person at aged fourteen or fifteen. Hahah. Even listening to it now, hits the spot.

You look into my eyes
I go out of my mind
I can't see anything
Cos this love's got me blind
I can't help myself
I can't break the spell
I can't even try

Push The Button

Aaaah yes, this song. Not only did I DANCE AROUND IN MY ROOM to it, imagined all the scenes that could happen, daydream with the song in the background, but it also almost always accompany me everytime I like some guy. Heh. You'll know I'm dreaming in cloud nine if the song's playing. I mean seriously, its just superduper fun and it just makes my adrenaline pump! Hahah.

I'm busy throwing hints that he keeps missing
Don't have to think about it
I Wanna kiss and
Everything around it but he's too distant
I wanna feel his body
I can't resist it

Yes, with lyrics like that..... hahahah.

About You Now

Seriously, I don't need to say so much about it. A movie plays in my head everytime I listen to this song. With or without Mutya Buena, the song is still an amazing one to listen to.

Can we bring yesterday back around?
Cause i know how i feel about you now.
I was dumb, i was wrong, i let you down.
But i know how i feel about you now.

All that it takes, one more chance.
Don't let our last kiss be our last.
Give me tonight and i'll show you.

I know everything changes, i dont care where it takes us.
Cause i know how i feel about you.

SIGH.

I do not just listen to pop/mainstream, but I'm not going to lie - I love it. <3

Friday nights almost always feel this way.

2010-01-29T23:58:00.003+08:00

This is my honest and sincere feeling. The truth. Veritas, the only way I know.

I honestly honestly feel so god darn lonely. I'm not kidding. Lonely. It's the worst feeling. I hate that I call on the same pool of people, so I won't be alone. I hate it more that I text a whole set of people, waiting for the one who's free to hang out, free to text me back, almost excited when I get replies. I hate it most, when I realize that those around me always have someone, or at the very least a fallback. I lost mine. I lost her to the depths of tomorrow, and I'm never getting her back. So yes, I feel extremely lonely. I hate it when I'm told I've got tonnes of friends.. because I really don't think I do. I have tonnes of acquaintances; that's different. I glow in envy, when I see people around me - fallbacks and all - always having and making plans. I feel so left out, and at the same time, I feel as if I'm missing out. I know I almost never mention this, but I really really miss my friends from yesteryears. I miss the clique-y; I miss them so much that my heartaches when I realize how much time changes everything. I miss Kings, so so much. Life was so much different with them, we stuck together, thick and thin. We shared our laughter, our love, our sadness, our lives. Sure it wasn't always fun and games, but at least I had something. I miss miss miss miss miss Syafiqah. How weird it was that we could spend everyday at school together, write telepathic letters to one another, but now, we barely even speak. I miss Adel. I miss 3sops1alto. Nowadays, in a room full of people, I feel alone. I really do. I pretend nothing's wrong, but I do. But its not just old bonds that I miss - my friends now are also sorely yearned for. I feel them slipping away - you could be next to me, but I feel like you're miles and miles away from here. Friday nights, this is when the utter state of my loneliness is highlighted to me, because therein lies the weekend. A stark reminder of how I'm always the one reaching out to people, making the plans, rather than be planned for. Trust me, even I'm amazed at how much I feel like I'm walking this path, a lone ranger.

I don't tell people I feel this way, cos I've got no one to tell.

Maybe I am disillusioned, maybe I just ask for too much, or just emotional. Maybe I'm just not counting my lucky stars.

But it is genuinely how I feel.

To think there was a time I was taken for granted. Compared to this, I'd rather feel under-appreciated.

THE ONLY THING that managed to perk up my otherwise bleak Friday night, was Edna. Random but true. We talked and chatted for almost 3 hours? It was fun. Like, unprejudiced and chat chat about the most random things.

Thank God for her.

I'm marching my band out.

2010-01-24T23:25:00.003+08:00

Did you know, my Backspace button doesn't work? Farking annoying, I swear. 0.o Its really a hassle to delete things or errors. AAAH, AND I THINK i can't help myself but make more errors in this situation. HAHA. Classik jaye.

Anyways, yes, I willed my Sunday away. It wasn't long till I realised I had homework! SIIIIGH! Hahaha, yes in true Jannah fashion. Last minute society. I swear. Saturday was lovely, sunday was lazy. I think its a pattern. But I don't care. Its kinda fun! :D Slowly, I think I'm finding some sort of peace with myself. Hah. Some sort. But better than no sort eh? Tuesday's e-learning, which really means FREEDOM! hahah, away from the clutches of the school.

I love that photo. If you're an avid reader, you'll know I love roaming through the photography pages of deviantart. <3 it. And well, I love this photo so very much. Not just the colours, etc, but its just the whole idea. I really really love carousels. It reminds me of the days where life was so much simpler, and at the same time, it is just so magical eh? For like 3 to 5 minutes of your life, your life just spins and all you see is colours, the person next to you, and nothing else is real. Everything just...disappears. The last time I rode a carousel was when I was...14? I think. But yeah, whatever. There's a lovely carousel at the ZOO, which I really really wanna go on, someday. Perhaps with someone special? Or just those I really love.

Another day of school tomorrow. Aiyer. Goodluck shimmy-ing my way through tomorrow!

freeze the moment.

2010-01-24T01:53:00.002+08:00

I've had this song stuck in my head for the longest time. I was singing it the other day in class and I was so happy someone knew what I was singing ~ Amy! It makes me remember a shared past I have with other people. I mean, of course it isn't actively shared, but like the nostalgia of remembering that I was once in love with All Saints and so were many other people coupled with the fact that there are people who have no idea who they are...reminds me yet again how fast time moves.

I don't wanna waste my life away wishing and wanting for things that aren't gonna happen. I don't wanna live in regret, or in incompletion. I wanna live my life as I know it.

I had a lovely saturday! I slept in, watched tv and in the evening met up with some of my S26 people for dinner and games! Suprendo! What's on for Sunday, is still a mystery. But like I said, I'm not gonna live stagnant. Life is the only thing I'll get to experience anyways, so I might as well give it my best shot!

Glee.

2010-01-22T01:05:00.004+08:00

"Can't anybody, find me, somebody to love"

"Smile, though you're heart is aching, smile even though it's breaking"

"I see your true colours shining through, so don't be afraid"

"You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one; I hope someday you will join us, and the world will be as one"

"Maybe this time, for the first time, love won't hurry away"

"Don't stop believing, just hold on to this feeling"

"Nobody can rain on my parade"

"You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometime, you find, you get what you need"

And that my friends is what glee has taught me to hold on to, and I will <3

I know I know I do.

2010-01-21T21:16:00.002+08:00

This is me, saying thank buddha for Friday. In like... 4 hours. And then it'll be a whole rush of ONE whole day of shit, then its home, sleep and the weekend starts. Thank god. I can't wait. I've had enough of feeling like crap. I need to recuperate during the weekend.

2010-01-21T10:51:00.002+08:00

It's almost 2 weeks, and I'm surviving.

Two weeks, no shit.

And soon two will turn to four, which then will become ten and that will turn to months and months, and hopefully, before you know it, he'll become a distant memory of my past.

At least I hope so.

The bright star of one's eye.

2010-01-20T19:56:00.003+08:00

There is sorrow and there is ache; where it feels as if all is lost, and nothingness is all there is to exist. An ache in the heart of which its origins will remain forever unknown. An ache, not at all due to love, or of which the entirety of the ache is not all due to love. The weight of the night is felt upon my heart, as if to pull me down to drown into an ocean of incompletion. It is now, that I write the saddest lines, for it is sincere, and felt upon every fibre of my being, every breath of my soul. I cannot say what it is that pains me, for it is not what, nor whom, nor which, but instead all that is. The sorrow I feel is intrinsic, and it takes every drop of strength left in my being to purge it. Purge it from myself. Purge, myself.

Bright Star ~ John Keats

Bright star, would I were steadfast as thou art--
Not in lone splendour hung aloft the night
And watching, with eternal lids apart,
Like nature's patient, sleepless Eremite,
The moving waters at their priestlike task
Of pure ablution round earth's human shores,
Or gazing on the new soft-fallen mask
Of snow upon the mountains and the moors--
No--yet still stedfast, still unchangeable,
Pillow'd upon my fair love's ripening breast,
To feel for ever its soft fall and swell,
Awake for ever in a sweet unrest,
Still, still to hear her tender-taken breath

Young girl, you're outta your mind.

2010-01-19T22:47:00.002+08:00

Yummy. I had island creamery today. Shoot me, but its my FIRST time there. Yummy. I had a mini baked alaska and a scoop of HORRRRLICKS. Which is to me the best flavor of icecream there. SO syiok.

You know the feeling of joy, and relief someone feels? Well, I'm feeling EXACTLY that, when it comes to school. Like totally. I mean, all my H2s are done with, can you believe, and its ONLY tuesday.

I'm gonna sleep early <3

"WHAT DOESN'T KILL YOU, makes you stronger".

Better last.

2010-01-17T10:36:00.003+08:00

You're much much harder to forget than I thought. Heaven forbid.

Sigh.

Anyways, the first week of school's been going great. Really. I mean, yes, stressful, somewhat, but it's great to meet my friends though. It's kinda the whole reason I was excited to be back in school again anyways. So yeah.

Sent Julien off on thursday - what a sappy affair, and well I'm glad I did send her off (:

Anything else? Well not much. I actually haven't the heart to continue blogging; thoughts about him flood my mind, and well, it's just something I have to do. For me.

So I leave you with the awesome David Gray. Cos I feel this song, I feel it and love it with every fibre of my being, this current January.

Say what you say, and give what you give

2010-01-11T19:51:00.004+08:00

I see a future.

For once I see a future. My future.

Today was the first day of school. First day of drama, of hope, of friends, of AWESOMENESS! Really. I know, part of me was scared of the future to be - I mean there's so much that I have to do, and time is just constantly moving. Yet I have high hopes; I have hopes that this year, though hard and possibly unbearable, will be a good year. I have hopes that I'll enjoy what I learn, and love what I do, and hopefully, come out on top. I'm really so very happy of my first day. It truly is great - I guess it's that buzzing energy that fills me from within. The, "i have the world at my fingertips" feeling.

You may say that I'm just setting myself out for disappointment; that tomorrow will be different, and then what? But I'm ready for it. I'm empowered. I'm ready to have a good time, and well, counting my lucky stars. For there are so many. From the fact that I'm not in a war-torn country, the fact that I'm not oppressed, the fact that I'm able to receive an education. So many things.

I am happy, I am blessed. I am grateful. There will come a day when I feel like crap, but for now, my soul's in a right place.

As for the matters of the heart..

I know, I said this months before. I've told myself a 1000 times. But this time, I think I really have to. It's really a great feeling when thoughts of him come into my head. It's a great feeling when I feel so special, like he's shared a part of himself with me, that he's not shared with any other. But I can't go on thinking about him any longer ~ I have a future, and for now, he's most likely not in it; I just have to learn to accept it. It's going to be hard. Real hard. Really, really hard. But I can do it. The first step to obliterate him from my heart, mind and soul is to not put myself in the vulnerable position I usually do. I honestly feel so happy that I felt the way I did for him, that I was able to feel so strongly for someone, the way I did. But it's enough. It's time I get real. So the first step, is to stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.

~~there was an opening, but the door's shut now.~~

And I'm ready, to continue this buzzing happiness I feel.

And I welcome the next schooling year.

2010-01-10T15:36:00.005+08:00

I know, I didn't do the..."oh 2009 was like....." or the "MY RESOLUTIONS FOR 2010 IS....". But well I was busy, doing things with my family, my last days of work, and well kinda having a life outside of this online realm ~ too busy to post regularly.

But I guess I'm ready for it. TWENTY-TEN. A few years ago, I had not planned to still be in school. I planned to work, and well go to South Africa. Bagpacking. RRRRright. Didn't happen. WELL, I'll look forward to 2011 with the girls! (:

What do I expect?

I expect that my engine's gonna stall a bit, and it's gonna take a while to start-up. To fall into that static life of studying, work, school, routine. I figure it's gonna be an uphill struggle for these first few weeks, and maybe even for a month or so. I also expect that I'm gonna hit many potholes, where I feel like curling up on my bed rather than doing my essay (LIKE I FEEL NOW! *sobs*), or going out and having fun. BUT, I'll remember all my dreams and goals, and constantly remind myself what my priorities should be.

prioritize.

EVERYTHING will fall into place, when I do what's right, at whatever time it requires to be done. Prioritize.

Then, I can still have a whopping 2010, have fun and hopefully do very very well too, right? I sure do hope so (:

I really hope the new semester will go as awesomely as possible. Honest.

GOD'S SPEED, GENTLEMEN.

P/S: I leave you with the fabulous scene from the awesome movie, The Usual Suspects

>

Adieu.

2010-01-06T23:58:00.002+08:00

I was told,

"...sometimes, you've gotta love what's good for you"

someone like you...

2010-01-05T19:09:00.000+08:00

love love me do, you know I love you. I'll always be true, so please please please.. Love me do

For not so many reasons, I feel sad, angry and out of it. I've been counting the days, and now it feels like nothing good will come out of it. You're supposed to be happy, yet that's not what I feel. Like what hearts said, "They'll never turn out as you expect them to".

Anyways, i'm trying to live my life before I return back into the battlefield. Am soooo not excited for that. Really. I'm excited to be back into a life of system, rather than chaos, but i'm still scared.

tell me, will this feeling go away?

I was listening to Beatles.. Oh how insightful.

Sigh.

Hello hook-up!

2009-12-30T17:05:00.000+08:00

It's the most wonderful time...of the year!

Hello world, just a short one. I was always one of those not-so-crazy-frenzy-over technology type- other than my macbook, a short stint with Mar's iphone, a bunch of cameras and dslr lusts, I'm kinda just happy where I am! But, I'm all hooked up now, and I won't lie- ITS FREAKING AWESOME ey, Hearts(:

Anyways, my last week of work already! So fast time flies.... There'll be holiday homework to finish, MSA to study for, SATS also, siiiigh! But I'm super excited to be back inschool! I need to remind myself that no matter how mundane it could be, or frustrating the schooling life may be, I'm so glad to be in school, to be able to depend on something and where I don't have to be totally independent! Hahahah childish I know, but bite me okay, work life really isn't all dandy! There's no room for baby-ing etc and school sounds soo sooo sooooo much better!

So much I've still left to do!

My sister's leaving soon)):

Till next timem
Sayonara bitches!

I wanna get back, to the old days..

2009-12-27T18:26:00.002+08:00

~~SUPERFUCKERSGETLOSTALREADYbloodyshitsgonnamakemepukebloodsoonenough~~

Anyways..

Sigh. I've got no more energy anymore. Not even to write what happened, or how I feel.

HANNAHBELLE? HANABELLE?

2009-12-23T21:45:00.003+08:00

I've been spending so much time with the loveliest 5 year old I know, and I'm really having a better time than I imagined. Sometimes, with technology, I wonder what's the BIG deal about my sister being here..I mean last time we talked EVERY OTHER DAY on skype anyways... so its just that she's PHYSICALLY here... right? Wrong. I remember now, that being with my sister is the awesomest thing. Sure, she's nutzo sometimes, but being with her is like having good fengshui. HAHAHAHAH. I mean, she makes me feel safe and taken care of - a feeling I haven't felt in a while. It's great. This is what practically 2 years of not seeing her does. I'm so glad she's here and my brother in law too, and especially so with my niece.

She's the greatest.

She's just like a normal kid, of course, she has her ups and downs. But for the most part, she's the most polite and elegant little lady I know, and I'm so glad to have her (: I mean which KID in this world declines chocolate from her relatives, stating.. "I'm sorry but I have to ask my mother first if its okay." She is abso lovely. I mean, yes, I do find it tiring that I'm with her ALL the time, but then, I look at her, and when she smiles and hug me and says things like.. "I love you so much Aunty Jaye" or "I wish I was you..", I remember all over again the gift of time and how precious it is. I mean, there may come a day where she might be too..."cool" for me, or we just can't connect (gosh i hope not tho), so these moments, are priceless.

If I had to write out the story of my family, it'll be published in encyclopedic-volumes. But to get the gist of it, there's many things that are superbly fucked up - like any other person's family could be, I'm sure. However, I can't help but love them as much as I do, and I remember that when it's just us, siblings and niece, the world is nothing else but flawless. I was looking through so many photo albums of my childhood the other day, and I really cried. What was, really was the best it could be, but it is what it is... past. I treasure my siblings more than anything. If only Adam was with us, eh?

Sigh. I've got a full day of work, Christmas shopping, then christmas eve dinner, presents-time, I'm sure I'll be exhausted. But it's all worth it (:

oh wow. how prolific!

2009-12-18T01:19:00.003+08:00

This is funny. I've reached 365 posts (this is the 366th!) which means..it's a whole year's worth of posts. Not technically lah, but you know what I mean. Hahahaha and the best part is that well, I was just thinking that the year's ending.

I don't know if I'm the only one, but I was wondering... what do they write at those duo-digit dates from next year on? I mean like today's 18/12/09.

If next year..will it be...

01/01/10? woah. Looks awkward.

HAHAHAH. Random shit I know. Can't help it!

Anyways. Yes, I think I'm still conflicted about the fams. I mean, I was talking to Hearts about it, and well, I don't know anymore, what to say or to expect. I'm tired of being in the middle of everything, or anything for that matter. I'm tired. I'm tired of trying to please everyone, being part of everyone's problem. I mean, I don't cause problems so please, return the favor.

I'm just a little infuriated, that's all. This will all pass. So they say...

Sometimes I feel like curling up and crying. This is not what I signed on for. Then I remember, I can't curl up cos there's not enough space in my room, cos got a LOT of things to cleaaaan. hahahahhah WHICH I AM NOW. CUE: APPLAUSE! :D

Yes, I finally decided to clean shit. But well, we'll see how MUCH I decide to clean up - whether I just rape my room clean or just molest it. HAHAH yes disgusting, but not really wrong analogies. Disgusting tho.

I read BOOs blog and well yes, I'd declare, with those airplane carrying banners...be my Leopold? I mean, he's freaking..surreal. Honestly, who else can talk about BUTTER better? (HEE) Anyways, with the matters of the heart...well let's just say I'm letting it all go, for now.

I've got a lot on my plate.

LIKE FUCKING HOMEWORK. NABE. I totally forgot about homeworkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk >.<

THANKS FIRQIN FOR THE WAKEUPCALLLLLL

I'll bet it's cold outside.

2009-12-17T03:11:00.002+08:00

Yes, in about 15 hours my sister's coming home.

Yes, I've been waiting for so long.

Yes, I've got no idea what's in store.

No, no one's allowed in my room, no matter what. Simply because its so messy. ahhahaha.

Yes, tomorrow I'll be at the airport, hanging at the viewing gallery.

Yes, these weeks are going to be interesting.

No, I'm not prepared for any fiasco.

And, yes, I just got all fangirly over Ok Taecyeon. Kill me.

I don't know what else to say. I'm enjoying work - well the people, mostly. And well, I love the staff discounts. And *cough*so do my friends*cough* There's still a sort of heaviness in my heart, maybe? Yeah. I guess it comes from the feeling that it's possible that there's something out there I want that I can't have. Wicked eh?

I don't wanna clean my room. Its too much. AAAAAAH.