love love me do, you know I love you. I'll always be true, so please please please.. Love me do

For not so many reasons, I feel sad, angry and out of it. I've been counting the days, and now it feels like nothing good will come out of it. You're supposed to be happy, yet that's not what I feel. Like what hearts said, "They'll never turn out as you expect them to".

Anyways, i'm trying to live my life before I return back into the battlefield. Am soooo not excited for that. Really. I'm excited to be back into a life of system, rather than chaos, but i'm still scared.

tell me, will this feeling go away?

I was listening to Beatles.. Oh how insightful.

Sigh.

It's the most wonderful time...of the year!

Hello world, just a short one. I was always one of those not-so-crazy-frenzy-over technology type- other than my macbook, a short stint with Mar's iphone, a bunch of cameras and dslr lusts, I'm kinda just happy where I am! But, I'm all hooked up now, and I won't lie- ITS FREAKING AWESOME ey, Hearts(:

Anyways, my last week of work already! So fast time flies.... There'll be holiday homework to finish, MSA to study for, SATS also, siiiigh! But I'm super excited to be back inschool! I need to remind myself that no matter how mundane it could be, or frustrating the schooling life may be, I'm so glad to be in school, to be able to depend on something and where I don't have to be totally independent! Hahahah childish I know, but bite me okay, work life really isn't all dandy! There's no room for baby-ing etc and school sounds soo sooo sooooo much better!

So much I've still left to do!

My sister's leaving soon)):

Till next timem
Sayonara bitches!

SUPERFUCKERSGETLOSTALREADYbloodyshitsgonnamakemepukebloodsoonenough

Anyways..

Sigh. I've got no more energy anymore. Not even to write what happened, or how I feel.

I've been spending so much time with the loveliest 5 year old I know, and I'm really having a better time than I imagined. Sometimes, with technology, I wonder what's the BIG deal about my sister being here..I mean last time we talked EVERY OTHER DAY on skype anyways... so its just that she's PHYSICALLY here... right? Wrong. I remember now, that being with my sister is the awesomest thing. Sure, she's nutzo sometimes, but being with her is like having good fengshui. HAHAHAHAH. I mean, she makes me feel safe and taken care of - a feeling I haven't felt in a while. It's great. This is what practically 2 years of not seeing her does. I'm so glad she's here and my brother in law too, and especially so with my niece.

She's the greatest.

She's just like a normal kid, of course, she has her ups and downs. But for the most part, she's the most polite and elegant little lady I know, and I'm so glad to have her (: I mean which KID in this world declines chocolate from her relatives, stating.. "I'm sorry but I have to ask my mother first if its okay." She is abso lovely. I mean, yes, I do find it tiring that I'm with her ALL the time, but then, I look at her, and when she smiles and hug me and says things like.. "I love you so much Aunty Jaye" or "I wish I was you..", I remember all over again the gift of time and how precious it is. I mean, there may come a day where she might be too..."cool" for me, or we just can't connect (gosh i hope not tho), so these moments, are priceless.

If I had to write out the story of my family, it'll be published in encyclopedic-volumes. But to get the gist of it, there's many things that are superbly fucked up - like any other person's family could be, I'm sure. However, I can't help but love them as much as I do, and I remember that when it's just us, siblings and niece, the world is nothing else but flawless. I was looking through so many photo albums of my childhood the other day, and I really cried. What was, really was the best it could be, but it is what it is... past. I treasure my siblings more than anything. If only Adam was with us, eh?

Sigh. I've got a full day of work, Christmas shopping, then christmas eve dinner, presents-time, I'm sure I'll be exhausted. But it's all worth it (:

This is funny. I've reached 365 posts (this is the 366th!) which means..it's a whole year's worth of posts. Not technically lah, but you know what I mean. Hahahaha and the best part is that well, I was just thinking that the year's ending.

I don't know if I'm the only one, but I was wondering... what do they write at those duo-digit dates from next year on? I mean like today's 18/12/09.

If next year..will it be...

01/01/10? woah. Looks awkward.

HAHAHAH. Random shit I know. Can't help it!

Anyways. Yes, I think I'm still conflicted about the fams. I mean, I was talking to Hearts about it, and well, I don't know anymore, what to say or to expect. I'm tired of being in the middle of everything, or anything for that matter. I'm tired. I'm tired of trying to please everyone, being part of everyone's problem. I mean, I don't cause problems so please, return the favor.

I'm just a little infuriated, that's all. This will all pass. So they say...

Sometimes I feel like curling up and crying. This is not what I signed on for. Then I remember, I can't curl up cos there's not enough space in my room, cos got a LOT of things to cleaaaan. hahahahhah WHICH I AM NOW. CUE: APPLAUSE! :D

Yes, I finally decided to clean shit. But well, we'll see how MUCH I decide to clean up - whether I just rape my room clean or just molest it. HAHAH yes disgusting, but not really wrong analogies. Disgusting tho.

I read BOOs blog and well yes, I'd declare, with those airplane carrying banners...be my Leopold? I mean, he's freaking..surreal. Honestly, who else can talk about BUTTER better? (HEE) Anyways, with the matters of the heart...well let's just say I'm letting it all go, for now.

I've got a lot on my plate.

LIKE FUCKING HOMEWORK. NABE. I totally forgot about homeworkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk >.<

THANKS FIRQIN FOR THE WAKEUPCALLLLLL

Yes, in about 15 hours my sister's coming home.

Yes, I've been waiting for so long.

Yes, I've got no idea what's in store.

No, no one's allowed in my room, no matter what. Simply because its so messy. ahhahaha.

Yes, tomorrow I'll be at the airport, hanging at the viewing gallery.

Yes, these weeks are going to be interesting.

No, I'm not prepared for any fiasco.

And, yes, I just got all fangirly over Ok Taecyeon. Kill me.

I don't know what else to say. I'm enjoying work - well the people, mostly. And well, I love the staff discounts. And *cough*so do my friends*cough* There's still a sort of heaviness in my heart, maybe? Yeah. I guess it comes from the feeling that it's possible that there's something out there I want that I can't have. Wicked eh?

I don't wanna clean my room. Its too much. AAAAAAH.

Everytime I think of you
I get a shot right through into a bolt of blue
it's no problem of mine but its a problem I find
living a life that I can't live behind

There's no sense in telling me
the wisdom of a fool won't set you free
but thats the way that it goes and it's what nobody knows,
and everyday my confusion grows

Every time I see you falling
I get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for that final moment
you'll say the words that I can't say

I feel fine and I feel good
I feel like I never should
whenever I get this way I just don't know what to say
why can't we be ourselves like we were yesterday

I'm not sure what this could mean
I don't think you're what you seem
I do admit to myself
that if I hurt someone else
they'll never see just what we're meant to be

every time I see you falling
I get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for that final moment
you'll say the words that I cant say

every time I see you falling
I'll get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for that final moment
you'll say the words that I cant say

Anyways, yes, I did.

MOVING on.

I'm honestly giving up on my family. I don't like any of them. Well not really. But for all my siblings, parents etc, there's so many things I don't like about them, anymore. I don't know. But whatever, I love them, still. Of course. Its blood right? But doesn't mean I like them. So many things, and they're family. Family.

What's that supposed to mean? I worked at the family courts of singapore and this is what the judge told us. "It is in this court where you meet the worst of society. You may think you see bad people at the criminal courts, but those are people who commit wrongdoings to people they don't know. Strangers. Here, you see people hurting their own blood. Hurting their families."

I don't know.

I don't know if I want to have kids anymore. I mean, that would make me responsible for another life. To not screw up their life. To not let them get hurt, most of all not by their parents. To let them reach their dreams. Not to forget the religious obligation? I'm afraid for that. I'm afraid of what might be, cos I don't think I know anyone who's able to satisfy all of it. No one I know has, and I don't think anyone will. I don't think I want to have kids. I love the idea, I love it. If you know me enough, you'll know I'll love kids my whole heart. But I don't think I will.

If I do have kids, can I stop them from meeting my family? Can we just live in a bubble of them and me and my love?

Thats not possible now, is it?

the hardest decision.
the scariest decision.
the required decision.

if i do decide,
i'll tell you about the aftermath.

as of now...

i'm in an empire state of mind.

no serious, its on repeat. over. and over. and over.

Lately I've lost my tongueToday you found my song
Unknown our love, has grown
And I thank god you came along

You are the one one I've been waiting for today
And here comes the sun, it's been baiting 'morn today

You looked right through me, there was no one else
I sat beside you and became myself, today
Today


And this is how I feel deep down inside. It's weird, that I wish for something to happen so that I know what I feel is real. why do i like you so much?

I had the best night. It has been a long time since I felt so liberated, so free, so relaxed. I could never talk to another person that way, and I've been needing some release. Thanks, Jesus. Honestly, I'm glad we talked, 6 hours plus, no matter what the topic was. It was good to be real, truthful and actually put myself out there and be able to trust people like how I did you. You're definitely a friend for keeps (: Thanks for letting me be me, for not judging, for reciprocating.

I think I have some some serious trust issues, and well, I don't really think I have any balls. I should slap my own face. *Slap* Already done. HAHA. Anyways really. I think I'm more talk - I'd never go up to him and tell him how I feel. Yes, same guy in July. Shoot me. I know I said I'd get over bbbut... I guess. Sigh. Come jans, rationalise...

What's so great about him?

Nothing. Well honestly, he's normal. And I don't like him for some grand gesture he did, or what. I just like him for him. Its not that he's the NICEST guy in the world, cos seriously, I can find nicer, lol. And its not cos of any particular reason. It's just.. him. Yeah, cool ah. But the shitty part? These will just remain words on this page, literally. I have no guts to say anything to him, and sometimes I think, it's partly due to the fact that I don't want to ruin what we have, whatever that is. And knowing him, he's not looking for anything right now.

(PS. If you're wondering, like any other normal person why I can say these things here, not worried he would ponder..well he's awesomely dense, and I don't think he knows my blog. Yeah. And really dense. Like a banner could fly and he wouldn't realise. HAHAHA okay i kid i kid.)

Actually, and this is the reasoned logical Jans talking, I think hormones aren't helping. And that well, I think its possible I'm infatuated. I mean look at madrasah boy. I got him and boom I screwed it all up. So theoretically, I guess I'm just... guilty of being dreamy.

(Word vomit, but I don't care. I created this space anyways.)

Sigh, fuck I don't know what I want also.
All I know is that though sometimes it hurts, this feeling is lovely and well, very fun.

CHOCKED UP NOSE? check

SOMESORT OF TUMMY ACHE? check

FEVERISH HEAD? check

I feel so sick. yucks. It's horrid. I've got work in like....1 hour plus. I feel so uneasy. And I don't wanna skip work. Shoot me kan? Sigh, so uneasy. If there's something that could take all the germs away, make my white blood cells FIGHT, then tell me. Exasperating.

Other than my sickly being, hmmm everything's going pretty okay. So many photos of postprom, MUST UNTAG hahahahahha and I keep on thinking about the thing I swore off like 2-3 months ago. Hahaha can't help it.

(crap I really can't feel happy when I feel this sick inside. does puking help?!)

As always, the people I want to see at work, I only get to see in passing - like Samantha. Its like she come in, I go out, that kind. So exasperating. She's not the only one lah. HAHAH. I haven't been at register in a while, I kinda forgot some things. I pray there were no discrepancies yesterday! *crossfingers*

Met Lukman yesterday - awesomeness. Just sat and chatted after New Moon (numero dos for me!) at McCafe. HAHAHAH Hearts, SOUNDS FAMILIAR TAK????? Oh, I miss hearts. I know in real time, it hasn't been THAT long, but it really feels like it. I wonder if she's missing me. SIGH. I had a good time chatting with him yesterday. Its always about life, when we talk. Its unavoidable somehow. Hahahah. Good times lah.

I want everyone to be happy, no matter what disposition you're in.
I want to be happy.
I want my sister to have the awesome-st trip when she comes back. LITERALLY A WEEK FROM NOW.
I hope I feel more complete. I hope my family isn't gonna fight as much in the few weeks. I hope everything goes alright.
God, be there for us.
It's really gonna take a miracle to prevent my family from fighting, especially with so much tension right now, I hope that that miracle makes an entrance.

Oh, I had the weirdest dream.
Like I had a class, and in the class we all heard someone get murdered, I.E our friend, by her father. So we're all witnesses, and the thing is, no one can prove its him just yet, so the police can't cuff him. Then like I keep on feeling as if he knows I know, therefore I'm next. And then as me and my mother rush into the car, suddenly he's behind and then I turn into Ironman, and try to prevent anything from happening to my mom. Then he turns into a robot monster with hi-tech thingy and then he begins chase. I fly (like Ironman) and my mother freaks out, but i let her land properly - then I think she changes into my dad. HAHAHAHAHHA wth kan? Oh well, imagination, I do not lack. :D

love love.
AND SUMARTONO I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT IT. HAHAAH